extra supra explosivo

since its your first time visiting, allow me to introduce myself. i am a boy. i wear glasses with semi-thick, pseudo-rectangular, quasi-black (blue really) frames. i enjoy a variety of sports, including car-curling and hockey in all non-field forms. i attend the greatest university campus made entirely of concrete slabs, UTSC. my taste in music is defined partially by this simple mantra: if the bass is heavier than your mother, it's good. or if there is a piano, harmonica, accordion, didjeridoo or kazoo involved, it's good. i wear my hair stylishly messy, as if licked by a cow, but not a cowlick. in effect, i look like just about any chinese boy you'd meet on the street, skinny-ish and not quite tall with dark smoldering eyes that you could lose yourself in if they were just a little larger. i have two kids, but they don't exist as of yet.

i am looking for a nice lady friend to pose as my mail-order bride for an upcoming gala dinner with some dignitaries from Lithuania. if you are interested, please leave a comment stating so and be sure to include a description of yourself containing at least twelve of the following set of words: alluring, buttsecks, crass, dromedary, elephantitis, Freakazoid, gesticulate, hymen, insolence, jippijappa, kangaskhan, Lourdes, Megatron, nincompoop, oaf, peccadillio, quantum-slipstream-drive, rotato-potato, scantily-clad, tyrannosaurus-rex, underwear, vivisection, water-buffalo, Xena: Warrior Princess and Zoolander, Derek.

will you be my hero?