You know how I love

dinosaurs, right? I think they are awesome. I love animals in general, but something about dinosaurs just takes it to the next level. They were so diverse and distinct in their size, shape and ability, with such a mysterious end, that one cannot help but be fascinated.

I went to the ROM last year as part of an exhibit promotion directed towards teachers (and would-be teachers). Even though all that I could see were merely fossilized bones (and replicas of extrapolated bones due to incomplete finds), it didn't take too much of a stretch to imagine those skeletons housing vast organs, covered in sinew and ligaments, layered with fat and pebbly reptile skin, teeth and claw and other biological weaponry jutting forth menacingly.

So when I see an institution defaming one of my few passions in life, I must say, I have to agree with this guy.

The Creation Museum is the brainchild of the Young Earth Creationist Ken Ham, founder of Answers In Genesis. I use the term 'brainchild' here very loosely.

I can only assume the goal of this museum is to educate the unwashed, heathen masses in the literal and inerrant truth of the Bible. I imagine the proposal went something like this:
"I want to build something to establish God's presence in the world and to teach everyone about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
"How about we feed the poor and serve the needy?"
"Mm, that's been done before. Let's do something new! Everyone loves dinosaurs, right? And everyone loves God too! Let's put them together in a museum!"
"Uhh, is that really a good use of our donated funds?"
"Of course it is! Can't you tell by all the exclamation points I'm using?!"
27 million dollars and 7 years later, we have this grandiose mockery of all that is reasonable.

Sigh.

I am not angry. I am just frustrated with the general slant of fundamentalist/legalistic religion in the American South. It is simply bewildering how they can do such a great disservice to God, science, education and dinosaurs, in one bullheaded move. They have my sincerest pity.

To my brothers and sisters in Christ, think about what you read earnestly and critically; just because it has one kernel of truth in it does not mean it is not a complete bumwaffle. To my brothers and sisters not affiliated with any Christian denomination, please don't be too hard on these folk; they are doing the best they know how, albeit severely misguided.

The English Major: bad grammar makes me [sic]

over the past year or two, i have had the pleasure of editing and marking some lovely pieces on a wide variety of topics. where there is pleasure, however, there is pain. today, i am wasting my 500th post on the most egregious (hi, Lyris!), and most pervasive grammatical sins i have encountered.

These errors have always been their, its because your stupid.
The following errors are the result of generations of people writing the way they speak.

There/They're/Their
There - the opposite of here. e.g. "She went over there."
They're - equivalent to "they are." e.g. "They're not present."
Their - the 3rd-Person Plural Possessive Determiner. e.g. "The dog was their responsibility."

Its/It's
Its - the 3rd-Person Singular Gender-Neutral Possessive Determiner, as in "Defeating the Russian at the game of chess was its finest moment."
It's - equivalent to "it is." e.g. "It's time to d-d-d-d-duel!"

Your/You're
Your - the 2nd-Person Possessive Determiner. e.g. "You must have lied; your pants are on fire."
You're - equivalent to "you are." e.g. "You're fired."

Comma Splices
I defer to the Wikipedia entry.

The Future Generation of Grammatical Errors
The following have developed in recent years due to the elimination of formal grammar teaching in education. They are intriguing to the descriptive linguists and infuriating to the prescriptive linguists.

'They' is the new 3rd-person singular gender-netural pronoun!

I don't want to tell you who ate the cupcake because they would be mad.

In this politically correct day and age, we no longer default to the masculine for catch-all phrases. Instead of taking the time to say, 'him or her,' or 'he or she,' we now use 'them,' or 'they' as the 3rd-person singular gender-neutral pronoun when referring to people. This shows up quite frequently in anecdotes where the speaker, or writer, tries to preserve the subject's privacy by obfuscating the gender with the incorrect use of 'them' and 'they.'

These pronouns should be reserved for their intended plural usage so that listeners, or readers will know when there are multiple people, or when there is just one person. This error is so widespread, however, that listeners and readers actually have no confusion about the number of people being referenced. Instead, they have adapted to find different contextual clues to inform their interpretations.

Apostrophic Catastrophe's

Buy 20 Hamburger's!

When pluralizing, many people now apostrophize their plurals. It is ridiculous. Things like hamburgers and waiver forms are being anthropomorphized, and given the ability to possess empty space when their sentences are left unfinished. This error is so common that there are now websites to chronicle its infiltration of the unknowing public.

Could of, should of, would of!

"I can't believe they left without me! They could of told me first!"

This one causes me the greatest pain. In fact, I will go so far as to say that I hate this error the most. I don't hate the people that commit this error, but I do hate the error. This is a textbook example of how people craft their sentences based on the way they sound when spoken. "Could/should/would of" makes no syntactical or semantical sense.

Those that commit this crime error want to say "could have," or "should've;" the sound of 've' is very similar to 'of.' Writers must be conscientious of not only how their sentences sound, but how they're read as well.

Taylor Mali - What Teachers Make

also titled: "Objection Overruled", or "If things don't work out, you can always go to law school"

By Taylor Mali

a fellow student shared this with my english class.



read-along! since it is transcribed, the structure is probably not as he wrote it, but my best approximation given what i might have done if i were the author.

He says the problem with teachers is,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided
his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

[laughs]

He reminds the other dinner guests
that it's true what they say about teachers:
That those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

[laughs]

I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the urge to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers,
Because we're eating, after all,
and this is polite conversation.

"I mean, you're a teacher, Taylor,
Be honest. What do you make?"

And I wish he hadn't done that
(asked me to be honest), because you see,
I have a policy about honesty and ass-kicking:
which is, if you ask for it,
then I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder
than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like
a Congressional medal of honor
and I can make an A- feel like
a slap in the face.
"How dare you waste my time
with anything less than your very best."

You want to know what I make?

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence.
"No, you cannot work in groups."
"No, you can't ask a question, so put your hand down."
"Why won't I let you go to the bathroom?
Because you're bored and you don't really have to go, do you?"

You want to know what I make?

I make parents tremble in fear
when I call home at around dinner time:
"Hi, This is Mr. Mali, I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about
something your son did today. He said,
'Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?'
And it was the noblest act of courage that I have ever seen."
I make parents see their children
for who they are and who they can be.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids question. I make'm criticize.
I make'm apologize and mean it.
I make'm write, write, write, and then I make'm read.
I make'm spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful,
definitely beautiful, over and over again,
until they will never misspell either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And then hide it on their final drafts in English.

I make'm realize that if you got this [points to head]
then you follow this, [points to heart]
and if someone ever tries to judge you, based on what you make,
you give them this! [brandishes finger]

Let me break it down for you,
Let me break it down for you,
so you know what I say is true:
I make a [gorram] difference!
Now, what about you?

X-tian Music

for the most part, i do not listen to Christian music. i don't mean that i don't listen to Christian bands (or bands associated with Christianity -- another discussion in an of itself) like Switchfoot, Lifehouse, etc; i mean the stuff we normally sing in service.

i sometimes find myself asking, why is that? everyone else seems to be into it and aware of what songs are floating about on the airwaves, while i remain blissfully ignorant. the only answer i can come up with is that these songs just feel weird. it's like petting a cat (or shark) backwards; neither party really appreciates it.

i write this recently returned from summer retreat. the times of worship we had were quite awesome. except for the little niggling at the back of my mind, that weird feeling that sat there in the corner and looked at me funny. was it because the songs were too high for my range? was it because i took my socks off?

it wasn't the people playing the instruments, singing the songs. it wasn't the people swaying and dancing around me. it wasn't the hard and knotty carpet under my feet. it was something i could feel inherently in the music of some songs that was off-putting.

possible bug-a-boos:
Illogical Lyrics -

open up, you heavenly gates,
let the king of glory in;
open up your hearts to Him,
let the king of glory in

i first encountered this gem at Iawah. it bugged me then (for multiple reasons) and it continues to bug me now. isn't the king of glory already inside? was that line thrown in just for balancing the second half of the quatrain on a metaphorical level? and it's not just the chorus that bugs me; the rest of the song is all over the place in terms of range, direction and tone. this sort of thing really distracts me from worship.

Shoehorning - this is when a contemporary verse is written, or exerpted from another song and literally shoehorned into a rendition of an established hymn, e.g. Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone). when it's done well, such as the aforementioned example, it augments the song and takes it to nifty places. when the verse that's shoehorned in does not work, it blows up the entire song like nobody's business. here's a good hymn: Fairest Lord Jesus. here it is, in my opinion, ruined: Fairest Lord Jesus + shoehorned verse.

i wish i had copies of both that you could listen to. the shoehorned verse is innocuous and unassuming and really dull in writing. musically it sticks out like a thumb that has fingers growing out of it. planting it into the hymn as a chorus only compounds the badness because it is refrained and repeated. the hymn is in C. the chorus is in F. F is the 4th note on the C scale. there aren't any hard and fast rules to songwriting nowadays, but there are things that sound good and things that don't. while F is one of the nice notes on the scale, it is not a standalone note; as such, it is not a standalone key. it's a leading note that is used to build expectation for musical resolution (returning to the home key C or the dominant note G). this verse rips the listener out of the hymn and takes him or her nowhere in particular. and that hurts.

Electric Rock Show Circus - not associated with any particular song; but more of an issue of taste. Christian praise songs have veered into rock concert territory. the songs are all about flashy electric guitar riffs, pounding bass, intricate drum solos and stratospheric vocals. rock is the cool, hip thing to do. it sure does get the crowd going. but when every song seems to be a huge eardrum-busting rock-out show-off fest, i will get up and go. the absolute worst is a balladic hymn song getting an Evanescence Bridge Buster -- you know, like the radio edit of My Immortal. it sort of works in that particular song, but not for praise and worship. the EBB is a commercial gimmick, a hook in the song to lure shallow listeners. P&W is not about glory hogging.

of course, this could all just be an issue of musical taste. i prefer acoustic music, when you can tell if the singers and instrumentalists are actually good at what they do. i like music the same way i like food: slow -- for the purposes of savouring what's in it. for the most part, contemporary Christian music just doesn't do it for me; it is lyrically and musically shallow. there is some really good stuff out there, i'm sure of it; i just can't be bothered to wade through the dross to get to the gold.

"self-esteem is for everybody..."

kindergarten teacher: herman, i would never date you because you're so skinny.

other volunteer: yeah, me neither.

should i have:

a) considered it a compliment - two very personable, confident and attractive women finding me threatening to their self image? maybe i could become professionally good-looking.

b) cried myself to sleep - no one wants me =(

c) taken offense - hey, i try fairly hard to eat to bulk up a bit, and also to exercise on a regular basis (play tag with the kids, climb ladders to put up decorations) to make sure it bulks up in useful places. i'm pretty sure i'd be sitting pretty with a 1-pack if it weren't for this awesome long-lasting cough that is molding my abdominals into a washboard.

d) found it a sad and frightening indictment of the overwhelming pressure to be attractive our society burdens women with - two very personable, confident and attractive women finding me threatening to their self-image? they're not rail-thin supermodels, but they are not superhuge triple-cheese-and-mayonnaise-pizza-with-fries-for-breakfast type people either. this pressure doesn't just come from men. most of it comes from the media big-wigs who try to determine what is 'beautiful' and what sells. the worst kind, in my opinion, comes from the mothers who tell their daughters to stop being so fat and ugly or tomboyish or outspoken or any number of 'unladylike' things.

Herman and the Fox

there's no hate. i respect the huge headway Firefox has made for alternative browsers into IE's marketshare. back in 2003, only a small bastion of early Opera users and Netscape holdouts were using browsers other than IE on Windows.

i liked it when i first tried it. there's something every attractive about animals on fire. foxes are naturally associated with fire due to their flame-red coats and wilyness (vulpix and ninetales anyone?). also, Samson tying torches to the tails of foxes to raze a Philistine village after they insulted him. what Firefox really has going for it is the coolness factor, due in most part to the image it conjures in your mind. a literal fox on fire is really not that cool, but we're talking mythical fire here.

Firefox is also attractive because it empowers the user. the extensions API (advanced programming interface) gives users countless options in terms of feature, performance, graphical experience, etc. if you are a Firefox user and you haven't dabbled into extensions yet, you'd be better off with another browser.

The Fox is marketed as being better, faster, safer than IE6 or anything else out there. as far as marketing goes, Firefox gets an A+. unfortunately most of Firefox's claims are not true, but most users don't care too much and hold on to what they've grown to like. that's alright, Firefox is a capable browser with a very helpful user-base that continues to make improvements.

i originally did not intend to switch to anything when i tested out Opera. Firefox was in its heyday, having just released 2.0 with great features like in-line spell check and... that's all i remember. i had just gotten the hang of tweaking the program to do my bidding, streamlining the interface and setting up shortcuts through keywords and tinkering with the cascading style sheets (userChrome).

after spending a bit of time on Opera, overcoming the slight learning curve with the rather intricate interface and list of options, i began to notice Firefox's shortcomings, specifically in the start-up time and rendering speed. i don't know how it works on your computers, but on mine, Firefox takes like 10 to 20 seconds to fire up. that's like a lifetime compared to IE6's instant activation. to be fair though, IE6 is coded into Windows, so it is technically always on, even when it looks closed. Firefox, however, has no excuse in comparison to Opera's 2.47 s mark. clearly, good coding can achieve times similar to IE6's 1.77 s, even in third-party applications. start up times and rendering times can be found here.

i will not go into how the feature set of Opera compares to Firefox. using basic installations, Opera blows Firefox out of the water, but Firefox has nearly limitless potential through extensions. users beware though, as not all extensions are equal in quality or security. they are made by users like you (with lots of time on their hands), so there is the possibility of incompetance and/or malice. also worthy of passing mention is how a good chunk of the really good FF extensions are copied (not always cleanly) of Opera features.

so, in conclusion, i thank Firefox for opening my eyes to the wonderful world of browser tweaking and showing me that it is okay to expect more than the status quo.

left behind

i'm sure a few of you have read at least some of the books from this series. you know, the one where the first book was great and showed a lot of promise? and where all the subsequent books read like they were written by Dan Brown (and not in the good way)?

basically, the premise of the story is that a few people in a mid-Apocalyptic/post-Rapture era are fighting for survival in a world in upheaval. according to the Left Behind series and whoever they researched off of, the Rapture is when all the "true Christians" are whisked away into heaven, sparing them from the 7 years of turmoil (tribulation) in which the anti-christ reigns prior to the second coming of Christ and the Day of Judgment. those that realize the Rapture has occured and repent of their unholy ways band together to form a "Tribulation Force". and that's as far as i could bear to read.

and basically, they've decided that it is time to convert this epic tale into a video game (pun intended, obviously). maybe this will draw attention away from the "evolution is just a theory" stickers on Louisiana science textbooks and the Da Vinci Code and other important "Christian" issues.

"sorry, the missions trip to Caracas is cancelled because we're hosting a Da Vinci Code conference on the merits of Dan Brown's claims about the bloodline of Christ and how his children have evolved into angels and/or demons who have infiltrated the CIA and are fighting each other undercover for supreme control over the government to they can decide once and for all if the evolution stickers on textbooks is God's will or not."

Underpass Stain Pilgrimage

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A wall stain that some believe depicts the Virgin Mary drew scores of faithful on Thursday to a gritty highway underpass that has become a shrine with flowers, candles and prayers.

The image, which highway engineers said was probably formed by leaking water and winter road salt from the highway above, first began drawing visitors last week. Their numbers grew daily, causing traffic tie-ups in the vicinity and police later blocked-off part of the area.

Some visitors said the yellow, white and gray mark resembles Mexico's Virgin of Guadalupe, a figure popular in the neighborhood northwest of downtown Chicago where the Kennedy Expressway crosses Fullerton Avenue.

"It's a miracle," said one woman, claiming she could see the face of the woman many Christians revere as the mother of Jesus Christ. Some knelt in prayer, others touched the image on the wall and many took pictures using cellular phones.

The Virgin of Guadalupe has been venerated by successive generations of devout Mexicans since she is said to have first appeared to a shepherd in 1531. She is generally depicted in a gown fringed by rays of light.

Highway officials said they planned to leave the wall as it is.

i know there's a Celtic symbolgist out there who's going to say that the stain looks more like a phallic symbol representing the fertility goddess/sacred feminine and that the true king of Britain will climb out from that womb brandishing the sword and crest of Avalon. he will enlist the help of an attractive, French cryptographer and they will go on a wild, dangerous adventure that leads them to Stonehenge, the Vatican and Kanata, Ontario.

meanwhile, the recently appointed pope Benedict XVI, formerly Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (who zinged rats with the authority of Hitler), will visit this underpass, clog up traffic with his entourage, proclaim it as a Christian relic, a sign from God's mother to "do your homework and clean your room", excavate said stain chunk and set it up in the St. Peter's Square. there it will be visited by a closet Mariologist professor of Mideastern Mythology from the University of Cornedbeefwellington, dragging his students on a field trip, who then expounds the significance of Mary's immaculacy.

one of his students, stoned sky high on Sunchips, will gather up the courage and pluck to lick the stain, causing a huge security ruckus. when questioned later by the press upon his release on bail for possession of banned substances as to why he licked the stain, his reply would echo that of the renowned Celtic symbologist except in more PG-13 terms. he would also add that it tasted salty. and the highway officials of Chicago will say, "told you it was just road-salt run-off, basic Horton overland flow." back in Chicago, the compromised bridge will collapse, cause innumerable rush hour traffic deaths and the apocolypse will be upon Chicago and it's suburban regions.

hearing of this, Bruce Willis will blast off into space with Ben Affleck and ruin the wedding that Jennifer Lopez had planned for Ben and Jennifer Garner, complete with Daredevil and Elektra outfits.

...

4 RCMP officers were killed thursday morning during a marijuana grow-operation investigation in Rochfort Bridge, Alberta.

this makes me angry.

fridges aren't meant for chasing

could've, should've, would've
please think about this carefully. let's not be too rash, too hasty in deciding. give it some time and maybe things will sort themselves out. what everyone else thinks isn't paramount, we are not everyone. why don't you give us a chance to fix it? is it even broken, or was it just out of style? did something new and improved come along? what are you running from? if that's what you want, just say so. that wasn't very nice, wasn't very comfortable, wasn't very personable. i made the choice and i don't think that is was the wrong one, but if you think so then what i think doesn't really matter. i meant it all and i believed you did too. would you feel as bad if you just simply wanted to?

did
oh, okay.

National Guard Fighter Jet Strafes School

Click title.

i'm sure we've all thought about doing something destructive to a school at one point or another, usually coinciding with evaluation oppurtunities. accidental as this incident may be, it was a bit surprising. you have to be a supremely incompentent pilot to strafe a school, even at night. there are several telltale signs that you are no longer flying over a firing range and instead deep in suburbia. rows of light standards, for example. frankly i would've expected more from the largest, most well equipped military power in the world, if it weren't for the ample evidence of US fighter pilot incompetency in Afghanistan.

Also:
Man Tries to Convert Lions

...okay. that's FREAKIN' AWESOME!

i miss...

engrish classes. really. fer rizzo mah dizzle bah shizzo. nizzo.
i've taken to analyzing movies. it does provide an added level of enjoyment, or disdain, depending on the movie. for example: spiderman 2. as i watched, i noted how dr. otto octavius and his wife quickly took on parental roles to peter parker, made especially effective since we knew he would become the villain of the movie. any more and i'd be giving stuff away. but seriously, watch that movie. it's flipping deep for an action movie. but not plot complicated like memento. unfortunately, i cannot analyze cinematically as competently as i would like to due to lack of knowledge and training in the field.
the same thing happens with books too, the noting of rhetorical devices, clever assonances, subtle metaphors that i would very much liked to have coined myself (yay atwood! - thanks jacqueline) and groaning painfully at any use of deus ex machina. seriously, the worst plot device EVAR!!!!1111oneone. even worse than "he woke up and realized it was all a dream. he climbed out of bed and went to brush his teeth." books with deus ex machina get dropped at that very spot. too bad it always appears late in the book.

people my age. for now, i hang out with kids who are always tittering or giggling about body parts and bathroom phenomena. like 'dildo pickle'. try explaining to a ten yr. old why that is inapporpriate. just try. and cry... "herman, why would anyone need a fake dick? is it for people who get their's chopped off?" guh. people my age usually also don't ask me, "do you have a girlfriend?", "who's your girlfriend?", "is she your girlfriend?". actually, i'm sort of glad i can say, "nope", "i don't have one", "nope". otherwise there would be, "can i see a picture of her? eww, she's ugly." then i'd get fired for beating a kid up.

our long midnight conversations.

sunny days

a great and terrible woe has befallen me.
too crispy to be allowed to play hockey.

why?

baked cheese can be your friend... if you let it

minor overhaul to the template. this one is more organized and less... crappy. but if there's one thing i've learned from living, it's that you can never have too much crappiness. how would you appreciate good music if you haven't had william hung seranade you to sleep? how would you appreciate high literature if you haven't tried to follow a messy chat transcript? how would you appreciate beautiful films if you haven't seen The Black Knight?

** i am in no way affliated with william hung or the wonderful movie, The Black Knight. if you deem the material above deflammatory and insulting, i implore you to a) purchase william hung's cd. better yet, go watch the Jays game in which he will perform, live at the SkyDome for our listening pleasure, Take Me Out to the Ball Game - hopefully it will be as beautiful a rendition as one Mr. Ozzy Osbourne's; and b) watch The Black Knight, featuring the amicable Martin Lawrence (Bad Boys 1 and 2, Big Momma's House) as the fabled Black Knight of lore; before coming back.