Marketing Pitch: iPod Touch

Perfect for:

• Music
• Videos
• Games
• Email
• RSS Feeds
• Twitter
• Facebook

on the can.

Recession Meschmession

This year, I've spent $80 on two pairs of gloves.

Do your part for the economy.

A random act of kindness, followed by a random segue

On the way to work this morning, a TTC bus pulled to a halt at the side of the road about 500 m from the next bus stop to flag down someone who was walking towards the it and let him on. There was no way that guy could have made it to the bus stop on time to get on with everyone else. He would have had to wait another 15-30 minutes.

In other news, Priscilla Ahn got a haircut!

Updates you didn't need to know about

I have not blogged in awhile. That does not mean I haven't written, it just means all that stuff is sitting in the blog post queue, waiting for me to finish them (or start them). To get back into the groove, I will write less ambitiously.

Anyway, my mom made me take vitamin B supplements. My pee is now neon yellow thanks to all the riboflavin that my body didn't need and flushed out.

Future Sight

I'm a terrible person to watch movies with. Especially in theatres.
This is because I like predicting what will happen next...


and then telling anyone within earshot what my guess is.

It goes a little something like this:
[***SPOILER ALERT***]
Spider-Man ACT II
In a heated argument with his Uncle Ben, the man who took him in after his parents were tragically killed in an accident, Peter Parker blurts out (with teenagey angst), "You're not my father!" and leaves his uncle at a loss for words.

me: Too bad that's the last thing he'll say to his uncle.
theatre neighbour: WHAT?!

A few scenes later, a botched mugging results in this prediction* coming true.
*granted I was already familiar with the Spider-Man backstory and the tragic death of his father-figure that spurred Peter towards vigilante heroism.
[***END SPOILER ALERT***]

Every story has a pattern and every genre has conventions it follows. I like it when I'm right; I'm also delighted when my expectations are subverted. Win-win for me. Sorry to all the people I've ever sat next to in a movie theatre.

Life is also full of patterns and conventions, infinitely harder to decipher and decrypt. It continues to surprise me.

success!

i gained ten pounds!

Absolutes

Even in a world of relativism, there are still some immutable moral truths that cannot be denied.

it's f-f-frickin' f-freezing

It's so cold that my car windows were frosted on the inside this morning. I drove to work with about 65-84% windshield visibility during the course of the commute. The brakes were stiff, the door sensors were registering false positives, and everything looks like a metaphor for obscured vision.

What gets your engine going?

So this guy gets carjacked over the weekend by gun toting youth, losing his BMW, cash and cellphone. While commiserating over beverages, one clever friend sends the stolen cellphone a text message promising attractive women and recreational drugs to lure the thieves out into the open. Needless to say, instead of attractive women and recreational drugs, the witless thieves rendezvous-ed with Columbus, Ohio's finest.

Let's sidestep the commentary on the state of today's world and go straight to the personal questions: What would the text message have to say for you to come out and play?


I'd fall for any of the following:
"Yo, I just trained up a Lucario. Want to battle?"
"OMG this is the best burger ever!"
"BSG marathon tonight."
"I got hockey tickets!"
"Three words: Jeopardy! in. HD."

Happy 2009

For posterity, I will record what I did in the first few hours of this new year.

Cheers with friends and faux champagne

I Swear

Pop Goes My Heart

Poker winning

A fox crossed the road

Porcelain Philosophy 13: Branding

I came across an article on marketing that raised some very poignant insights about company branding, as well as reputation building. The article is about how some companies run themselves into the ground by overextending their brand (e.g. if Nike started to sell photocopiers).

It was something I only noticed implicitly; seen in the light, it makes a lot of sense. The most powerful brands become synonymous to their products. What do you think of when you hear the word Google, or Kleenex, or Xerox, or Febreeze? If I were in charge of a company, I'd love for the brand to one day become a verb the way Google has.

But that's not the point of the post. Below is the pertinent excerpt.

If you're working in a job, [...] be known as a genius for something. Know how several things work. But branding yourself in one skill makes you the expert. Every time the company has a fire in that section, you will be known for your fire-fighting skills.

On an ordinary basis, most employees are not known for any particular skill and wonder why they are on top of the redundancy list. Bosses don't know what you do and why you're special, because you haven't been doing the 'branding bit'. It's better to be a specialist than the 'safe unknown.'

The author recommends committing to a specialty to help you stand out from the crowd if you're vying for marketshare.

This got me thinking: what am I known for? What am I known for at work? At school in class? At home? What immediately comes to mind when you think of me?

At St. Florence, I was the guy who handled miscellaneous problems, particularly technology-related ones. I visited the school last winter just before Christmas holidays fired up; after making my rounds visiting teachers and students, I was paged by the office. It turned out that they were gearing up for an afternoon of watching a movie in the gym and the principal needed assistance with the computer and projector. Now, at work, I'm paid to be that guy. At church, I am that guy. Pretty much everywhere I go, I seem to become that guy, even if he is not exactly who I am. I wonder sometimes if this label was just some niche I slipped into because it was open.

But all of that is meaningless because it is temporary.

Let me put it this way: if the Bible were still being written today, what would I be known for? Would I be a hero like Joshua, or would I be a cautionary tale like Saul? Would I even be mentioned? I don't ask this because I want to be recognized or revered; I ask myself this because I know what I've been given and I want to know how to pass it on.

A Series of One Haiku

I farted today.
It smelled like sesame oil.
I can't explain it.

that

wasn't

so

bad.

oof.

Mystery Bug 2: in the Office

I got into work early this morning. At the doorway to the bathroom I frequent, I beheld an amazing sight. There was a sizeable, light-coloured insect in a state of disassemblage on the floor in front of the door. Picking through the wreckage was a slightly smaller dark insect with a chitanous carapace.

I wanted to stay and watch, but I also had to use the bathroom. After I finished my business, they were still right there on the floor. I hopped back into my office (next to the bathrooms), grabbed a piece of paper, and scooped them up for closer examination on my desk.

Of course, once they were placed on the desk, the still-living insect bolted for the nearest cover (a Compaq Presario v5000). I played hide and seek with it for about 6 minutes, but quickly tired of its survival instincts. What I wanted to see was its gluttony so that I could capture the feeding on camera, so I proferred the remnants of its meal, still on the paper, to the scurrier but to little avail.

Clearly it was not comfortable eating in plain sight where it preceived imminent danger. So I relocated them to the floor under my desk. Under relatively darker evirons, the black bug was content to return to feeding. I filmed it with a point-and-shoot camera (Casio Exilim Z55) that was woefully ill-equipped to handle dark and close-up work. Nonetheless, I faithfully captured the moment the best I could, partially lying on the floor of my room while some automated processes were running.

Fig. 1: Video of Feeding

Naturally, the mystery of the identities of the insects began to draw my attention after the novelty of watching one insect dig through the innards of another, less fortunate insect lost its appeal. For posterity, I took a few snapshots. Again, it must be reiterated that my camera is not built for close-up work, so sadly, the quality leaves a lot to be desired.


Fig. 2: Feeding in the Dark


Fig. 3: Really getting in there


Fig. 4: Nom nom nom nom

During the course of the composition of this post, I did some research into the insects I observed. The living one was easy enough to identify, as I had a specimen that had been stepped on, but remained largely intact (COD: thoracic rupture). It looked like a black beetle that lived on the ground; this was verified by a quick Google Image Search for "Black Ground Beetle".

The edible one proved to be more difficult, owing to several of its body parts being detached and likely missing. Its most striking feature, apart from its ability to separate into pieces, was the pair of filament-like structures protuding from its abdomen. Such a feature is fairly rare in the insect world, allowing me to rule out about 90% of them right away. From this point, I just had to look up pictures for known insects with tail-like structures.

At first, it seemed like Bristletails fit the bill, but closer inspection revealed that bristletails did not have the same kind of long legs seen in the photos. I've finally settled on Mayfly. Mayflies have the filamentous tails and long-ish legs seen in the photographs.

The ground beetle was likely scavenging the remains of a dead mayfly, as beetles generally have a tough time tackling airborne prey. Adult mayflies live only a couple of days, devoting all that time to reproduction. The wings were likely bitten off at the first opportunity to reduce dragging weight.

You know how I'm right all the time?

Yeah, I hate it too.

Porcelain Philosophy 12: On Handling Frustration

Part of a larger collection of peer-contributed devotional writings.

The best laid plans of mice and men
often go awry.

Frustration is the feeling you get when your plans just don’t seem to work out.
There is little doubt that you will face frustration and worry during this trip, be it finances, or rejection from the very people you seek to bring to Christ. Plans are the structures that we build to give us something to fall back on when things go bad. When your plans fail, the frustration often is debilitating.

But wait! There is hope!

Haven’t our sinful selves been crucified at the cross? Haven’t we been raised again anew in Christ? When we go forth to proclaim the Good News, it is not our plan, but God’s. In all things, God will provide; “consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them” (Luke 12:24). If God takes such meticulous care for the creatures of the Earth, why should we, His beloved Children and Bride of His Son, ever worry about anything?

The frustration of rejection need not bother us either. When Jesus sent His disciples out to proclaim the Kingdom of Heaven’s dawn, He instructed them to “shake the dust from their feet” as they left the house or city that chose not to receive the News (Matthew 10:14). When you go forth to proclaim the Good News, you are to be like the voice and breath of God. What obstacle can bar the way of the wind?

Limerence

I thought I had a notion
of all the words regarding emotion;
but then -- anon --
I happened upon
one that looked a lot like Limerick.

Armchair Coach: State of the Roster

the last time i wrote about the Leafs was back at the Trade Deadline. a few things have changed since then: they met expectations by not making the playoffs by a rather narrow margin, thus ensuring that they would have a mediocre draft pick at the end of their mediocre season.

for those who are out of the loop, here is where things stand.
subtractions:

Andrew Raycroft - signed by Colorado Avalanche

Darcy Tucker - signed by Colorado Avalanche

Scott Clemmensen - signed by New Jersey Devils

Kyle Wellwood - signed by Vancouver Canucks

Andy Wozniewski - signed by St. Louis Blues

Simon Gamache - signed with SC Bern

Paul Maurice, Head Coach

still up for grabs:

Mats Sundin

Jay Harrison

John Pohl

miscellaneous Marlies

additions:

Ryan Hollweg - traded from New York Rangers

Jamal Mayers - traded from St. Louis Blues

Mikhail Grabovski - traded from Montreal Canadiens

Curtis Joseph - free agent

Jeff Finger - free agent

Niklas Hagman - free agent

Luke Schenn - 5th overall pick

Ron Wilson, Head Coach - signed from San Jose

i said a few months ago that the Leafs would need to start thinking ahead by rebuilding from a small core of players already in the system. thankfully, my list remains intact. i said that we would need to build from the back end a corps of defensemen who are committed to actually playing defense. the Leafs traded up for the 5th overall pick to land Luke "the Human Eraser" Schenn, the last of the top-tier defensemen in this year's draft, and signed Jeff Finger on the opening day of Free Agency -- a defenseman purported to be 'stay-at-home' and 'tough to play against'. i said we needed forwards who could finish plays, and we've kept Jason Blake and will be adding the services of Nikolai Kulemin and seeing more of Jiri Tlusty.

will things be better this year? probably worse, but sadly not bad enough to hit 30th in the league for a good shot at landing John Tavares at the next draft. at the very least, our core people will develop into stronger, more dependable players. Ron Wilson is a coach that is reknown for rebuilding successes, instilling responsible, two-way play and getting the most out of young players. it's a small step in the right direction.

next task:

Ascertain Sundin's future

Shed heavy contracts: McCabe primarily

Land a permanent General Manager

Porcelain Philosophy 11: The Space Between

Mental exercise: pick your favourite song, or piece, and play it in your head. Now strip out all the pauses and breaks and rests in the music and play it again. How does that sound? Now take all the notes and tones and sounds and play them all at once. Correct, that sounds terrifically cacophonous. It's like eating a whole steak all in one go; it does not taste any good and will cause you to retch. The music happens in the space between the notes. Enjoyment of a steak happens within each bite. The pause is where the tension and drama happens. It is all about the anticipation.

In recent days I have been doing some research into web design principles. One oft-overlooked component of good web layouts is white space (or negative space). White space is any part of the layout that does not have any content. In a book, this would generally be the margins, where your fingers can grasp the pages. In a newspaper, there is white space between columns to give them separation and consolidation. On a web page, white space can break the content into manageable chunks for absorption, as most content on web pages is simply scanned, rather than pored over. White space helps focus the reader's attention on the content that matters.

Good web page designs will employ the Law of Closure, a specific manifestation of Gestalt perception. People are naturally inclined to mentally 'fill-in-the-blanks' when presented with incomplete images because the mind strives for structure, regularity and logic. Your brain anticipates what ought to be there in the image, and your perception is informed thusly. The image on the left is not of a morning star, but merely some black near-triangles with one curved side. The notion that white space makes things simple for the viewer and, at the same time, makes him think unknowingly is deliciously ironic.

In our own times of rest and respite are usually when life is simplified; they are also the times when we tend to think the most, focusing on what is truly important. In the second book of his Elegies, Sextus Propertius, coined the well known phrase,

Semper in absentes felicior aestus amantes,

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. While this phrase has been overused to the point of becoming cheese, the sentiment remains true. One of the signs of love is the anxiety and preoccupation of the mind that comes with separation and distance. Not having something (or someone) will make you want it (or him/her) even more.

This goes beyond emotional attachments and personal interaction; this is a philosophy. If you are living your life constantly on the go, meeting the bottom lines, pushing ahead and striving to achieve, you are not living and you sure as cheesecake are not growing. Your bank account may be swelling, or your trophy shelf caving, but when time runs out, you will have nothing. Take the time to enjoy, to cherish, and to share. If something wonderful comes your way, you have every right to pause and savour it. As the venerable late George Carlin (and Hitch) so aptly put it,

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Getting Out of Getting Hit On

"How come no one has harassed me yet?"

- from the Sexual Harassment Complaints Box

For some, getting hit on is an irritation; for others, it is a longed-for luxury. Fact: they're both jealous of each others' ability/inability to get hit on.

For the uninitiated, 'hitting on' someone is a display of attention, subtle or overt, for purposes ranging from self-indulgence in hopes of assauging a fragmentary relationship with an absentee parent to genuine interest in lifelong loving commitment.

For the most part, males are the precipitators of this social intercourse, while females are the recipients. Much has been said about how the male species ought to comport themselves in such a situation to ensure the continuation of their genetic lineage, but precious little has been said about how females can refuse advances effectively to ensure their genetic lineage is not tainted with undesireable traits.

To begin our exploration of this uncharted realm, we must first investigate how the male approaches his quarry before we can discuss how he can be stopped at each stage of his endeavour.

Stage 1: Sight Lines
Males primarily rely on their sight to identify prospective females. The best way to get out of being hit on is to not be hit on at all. Therefore, the main goal is to appear undesirable even if seen. Females can obfuscate their visibility by a variety of methods:

Physical Interference: use the environment to your advantage, ex. hiding behind obstacles, to prevent being seen at all.

Numerical Interference: there is safety in numbers. stay in groups to overwhelm him with too many choices.

Relative Interference: hide yourself in the shadow of someone who can draw off attention, in the same way that Jupiter's immense gravity field wards off asteroid and comets from striking the Earth or the Sun's brilliance washes out the light of the stars.

Mimicry Interference: the perfectly edible Viceroy Butterfly resembles the poisonous Monarch Butterfly and thus hides in plain sight by virtue of being undesirable. Females can adopt this defensive mechanism by exhibiting undesirable traits, ex. public excavation of dried mucus from the nasal cavity.

A difficulty occurs when a female is both vying for attention from a specific person and trying to avoid attention from everyone else. In such a case, an awareness of your surroundings and 'audience' will attract the right male and ward off the rest.

Stage 2: The Approach
Once a female is singled out, the male will try to make his presence known through acts of manliness (headbutting, chest thumping, loud talking) and moving into the female's proximity. Advances are best avoided as early as possible with minimum communication before momentum is built up. Therefore, to avoid being hit on, one must recognize the signs of approach and raise warning of disinterest in advance. Here are a few effective, non-verbal warning signs:

Evasive Maneuvers: most males do not like to be obvious about their intent (at least to third parties), so forcing him to take a meandering, circuitous route to reach your side will be enough to throw him off his game (if he is weak).

Focus Group: take advantage of the presence of your group of friends. The ideal Approach a male desires is one-on-one interaction. Maintain your focus on the group conversation, as any eye contact with the approaching male will only serve to bolster his confidence. Keep him out in the open surrounded by your peers who can cast judgmental glances. Any thoughts of funny business will quickly turn into thoughts of self-defense.

Blunt Force Trauma: if he is within earshot, turn your conversation towards the blunt, hard truth about being a woman. Loud, heated discussions on menstruation, birth canal tearing, mammary gland infections etc. will turn anyone who is not absolutely serious about loving you around.

Stage 3: Conversation
The primary desired result of hitting on a female is for the male to enter her sphere of attention. At this stage, any attention is considered good attention by the male. When a conversation is initiated, the female must reply (because females are incapable of being that rude). Provided the above steps were taken to try to prevent a conversation, the only males that make it this far are a) genuinely interested, b) unconventional and sneaky enough to avoid detection, c) using the power of technology to circumvent stages 1 and 2 (instant messaging, Facebook, email, blog posts with thinly-veiled metaphors and references). Situation a) is probably the most difficult to deal with because it hurts to hurt someone who is genuinely investing time and effort into getting to know you. This does not mean you should give him a chance if you've already decided that he is not a potential. Euthanize his hopes in no uncertain terms, or else he'll come back for seconds due to selective hearing. The following are some examples of effective hope euthanization methods:

"Sorry, I'm not interested in starting a relationship with you."

"My boyfriend/fiancee/husband was thinking of getting that [gadget] too!"

"This ring is really straining my shoulder. I'm not used to the weight."

If, however, the male's courage and persistence is found to be admirable, and your feelings about him range from ambivalent to we-could-make-beautiful-babies, you're looking at a free lunch at the least.

Disclaimer:
The preceding were merely suggestions and should not be taken as Gospel, or even scientific truth. In the event that the male in question is clearly a creep, get the hell out of there.