The Office, Season 2, Episode 5, Halloween

Questionable Content: Innuendo

on Sheppard Ave, between Brimley and Midland, there is a 'massage parlour' in the green-roofed plaza (congee king, pho ha). it is called Pink Rose Massage Spa. it has mirrored out windows. there are two neon signs on the windows that say OPEN or MASSAGE in garish colours, flanking the door on either side. on the door itself there is a message that reads:

ALSO YOU CAN ENTER
THE BACK DOOR
i kid you not.

i wanted to take a picture of it, but as sherm was posing in front of the door, it opened. i was fully expecting a heavily made-up chinese woman in a sleeveless cheong-sam (long dress) with her hair done up in a bun and chopsticks. instead, a tall and oddly portly caucasian woman opened the door and said, "you guys are losers."

Nerd Corner: Keyword Bookmarking in Firefox

if you are a Firefox user, here's a helpful bit of nerdery i picked up off Lifehacker, an awesome blog for nerds and people obsessed with productivity. the title link leads to Lifehacker's most thorough post on this subject.

anyone who uses a web browser on a regular basis uses Bookmarks (Firefox, Netscape) or Favourites (Internet Explorer) to access those commonly visited sites. Keyword Bookmarking allows Firefox users to type in a short Keyword in the Address Bar to access a Bookmarked site, rather than navigating to the Bookmarks Menu and finding the correct button. this means you no longer need to leave the keyboard. simply press Ctrl + L to get to the Address Bar, type in your keyword, and go.

Adding a Keyword to Existing Bookmarks
Right-click the bookmark you want to add a keyword for and you will see a few fields to fill in. type in a short phrase, or even just a letter into the Keyword field.

it took me a bit of work to get used to it, but now i have all my useful bookmarks keyworded. this spares you the trouble of organizing your bookmarks because you'll probably never have to click that menu again anyway.

Add Keyword Field to the Add a Bookmark Dialogue Box

the default Add a Bookmark interface (Ctrl + D to add the current page as a bookmark) in Firefox is quite spartan. you can choose a name, edit the location and enter a description. the extension OpenBook will allow you to tweak the interface to your choosing, adding a variety of options (such as bookmark location) if you so choose. i used this for awhile until i found something better.

Firefox's main claim to usefulness is its potential for user customizations, predominantly through the aforementioned extensions, little programs created by Firefox developers and users to extend the functionality of the browser. beyond that is the userChrome.css. this is a style sheet that dictates the way Firefox looks and acts through bits of coding a nerdy user might insert into the core Firefox program. with short bits of code, one can remove useless menus and menu options from sight, change scrollbars, and even add backgrounds to the menus. click here to jump to Lifehacker's mini guide to Chrome customization.

the important customization to note is:

/* Add a keyword when adding a bookmark */
#keywordRow { display: -moz-grid-line !important; }

now every time you Add a Bookmark you'll see:


with the Keyword field available conveniently upon inception.

Keyword Searching

Firefox comes with a built-in Google toolbar (Ctrl + K), so searching is pretty much already at your fingertips. it also allows you to add searches, such as Wikipedia or IMDB within that toolbar. that's all fine and dandy, but Google, Wiki and IMDB are not the only websites that you want to search. unbeknownst to many, Firefox will allow you create keyword searches. simply right-click over a search bar, say Google Images, and select "Add a Keyword for this Search". it is basically Adding a Bookmark that you activate by keyword.


set up a Keyword the same way you would a Bookmark


so now whenever you need to dig up an image...


simply type in the keyword for that search and enter the search query after a space. any keyword search that you add is added as a bookmark, so it'd probably be a good idea to dump them into a folder specifically for searches.

that's all for now. i'm all nerded out.

Porcelain Philosophy 2: The Closet

Note: formerly known as Life Theme (what a crappy name, eh?), this series of posts has been re-dubbed Porcelain Philosophy, inspired by Rodin's Thinker and its obvious connotations. huge life-altering concepts are best dealt with in the privacy and serenity of the bathroom, where you purge your waste below to make room for better things above.
---

Kallipareos. Of the lovely cheeks. Now she has it. The Homeric word is sparkling on her hook. And beyond that she is suddenly aware of all her Greek vocabulary, of everything which seems to have been put in a closet for nearly six months now. Because she was not teaching Greek, she put it away.
That is what happens. You put it away for a little while, and now and again you look in the closet for something else and you remember, and you think, soon. Then it becomes something that is just there, in the closet, and other things get crowded in front of it and on top of it and finally you don't think about it at all.
The thing that was your bright treasure. You don't think about it. A loss you could not contemplate at one time, and now it becomes something you can barely remember.
That is what happens.
And even if it's not put away, even if you make your living from it, every day? Juliet thinks of the older teachers at the school, how little most of them care for whatever it is that they teach. Take Juanita, who chose Spanish because it goes with her Christian name (she is Irish) and who wants to speak it well, to use it in her travels. You cannot say that Spanish is her treasure.
Few people, very few, have a treasure, and if you do you must hang on to it. You must not let yourself be waylaid, and have it taken from you.

- "Chance", Runaway by Alice Munro

the closet of my heart is the secret vault in which i keep that which is dearest to me. my secret vault is not built with fortifications in mind though. i dislike memorizing passwords and combinations and heavy metal. i see it has a quaint wooden door (two openings, like on Lamb Chop's Play Along) and a window (because some things in there prefer the light). the one shelf is sparsely populated by childhood trophies (the striped "rover's" floor hockey stick*), a few books (my first Bible, which i gave away) and a little box. photographs and memory sketches cover the facing wall. there is a calendar in the corner for important dates and a green marker clipped above it for additions. in another corner is a levitating frog. his name is George. it is a small and narrow closet, but i think i have enough space to get by for now.

* i was enrolled into a floor hockey league from grade one through three. each team was allowed 5 players plus a goaltender. two forwards and two defenders had to stay on their halves of the gym. the "rover" bored a stick that was wrapped with tape all the way up the shaft. rovers could cross the half-line without penalty.

Dove Evolution

video posting is great. i don't need to think to evoke thought.

edit: but i like to think. feel free to disagree.

"Beauty is a measurement of how thankful you are for what you've been given."

The Office, Season 3 Episode 5, Initiation

i found a free video editor, downloaded the codecs, learned to use the software, cropped the scene, re-encoded the scene, signed up with youtube and uploaded it, just so that i could embed the video here. yeah, there were two other ones there already, but they were of poor quality.

edit: something from last season

Life Theme Porcelain Philosophy 1: Language

this is the first installment of a new series of posts that will track my analyses and comments regarding the themes of the life i perceive around me, inspired by autumn.
this particular post came to me as i attempted to sleep. i got up out of bed to write this down. i lose a lot of sleep this way, but it is better than losing ideas.

---

the manner in which we appear and comport ourselves is very telling. if i ask you to list the characteristics of a stereotype, looks and actions comprise much of that list. lower on our radar, but of greater importance is language. how you speak and/or write is a reflection of the way you think. since it is so much easier to speak your mind, your word is gospel to your audience (if you are a liar and they know it, they'll just assume you mean the opposite of what you say, and they'll know what you're thinking anyway). your looks and actions send out visual cues; your words send out audio cues. people are naturally inclined to make their judgments and decisions based on these things (as we are not a sniffing or touching culture -- sort of like dogs).

words are swords; you do not need to be a Biblical scholar (James 3) or english major to realize this. though in themselves they are nothing, when we give words meaning, they become corporeal, tangible somethings. just as there are styles of swords, there are styles of speech and writing. just as each style of sword denotes a particular sophistication or ability, so too does the language you use.

back when we still wore swords at our sides (the men at least; women did not -- and still do not -- have penises, so they weren't allowed to carry phallic weaponry), you could tell the status, rank or level of sophistication of a man by the sword he wore. knights carried heavy broadswords, symbols of their strength and nobility and ability to mash things. Aristocrats and Zorro and Inigo Montoya favoured the nimbler rapier, a more refined weapon without the clunk of a broadsword. samurais, symbols of high culture, lived and died by the katana, elegance and precision personified. petty criminals could usually only afford ugly knives or prison-made skivvs and shanks. the way you write or speak is a window into your mind. assumptions are made here based on audio/visual cues. if you have a vocabulary the length of a crayon and primarily consisting of four-letter words that the MPAA frowns upon, expect to be treated like a petty criminal waving a shard of glass with a duct tape handle.

what type of sword do you carry? do you use it as a weapon for gain, or as a tool and badge of honour? do you write like a tW3Lve y3@r-oLD 0n AzN-aV3nUe?

it would be ironic if there were spelling errors or misused words in this post. if you find one, assume that i am arrogant because i did not care to take the time to check my spelling, and that i am pompous for using big words that i do not know.

pam's new car

vulnerable like a starfish under a hat

if you don't shake enough, and if your underwear isn't absorbant enough, it will run down your leg a bit.

*****

caffeine before bed will keep you up at night and make you think you should talk to that fetching young lady right away about just how fetching she is. and then you get hit in the face.

*****

for men:
it is okay to cry a) on your wedding day; b) when the leafs win the cup.
it is not okay to cry a) after your wedding night thing (and subsequent things); b) when the leafs don't make the playoffs.

*****

determining your gender:
what is the first thing that comes to mind when you see the word Darcy?

if you said, "Darcy Tucker" you are male.


if you said, "Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice" you are female.


*****

i got an invitation to a company christmas party dinner on november 18 that said my name and 'guest' and it made me want to get a guest to bring with me.

*****

i like reading margaret atwood and alice munro. they are secret windows into the female mind and i'm peeping ^.^
i don't like reading dan brown or about what dan brown wrote. he should be defenestrated.

Toast

Snowman in his tattered sheet sits hunched at the edge of the trees, where grass and vetch and sea grapes merge into sand. Now that it's cooler he feels less dejected. Also, he's hungry. There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive.
A breeze riffles the leaves overhead; insects rasp and trill; red light from the setting sun hits the tower blocks in the water, illuminating an unbroken pane here and there, as if a scattering of lamps has been turned on. Several of the buildings once held roof gardens, and now they're top-heavy with overgrown shrubbery. Hundreds of birds are streaming across the sky towards them, roostward bound. Ibis? Herons? The black ones are cormorants, he knows that for sure. They settle down into the darkening foliage, croaking and squabbling. If he ever needs guano he'll know where to find it.
Across the clearing to the south comes a rabbit, hopping, listening, pausing to nibble at the grass with its gigantic teeth, It glows in the dusk, a greenish glow filched from the iridicytes of a deep-sea jellyfish in some long-ago experiment. In the half-light the rabbit looks soft and almost translucent, like a piece of Turkish Delight; as if you could suck off its fur like sugar. Even in Snowman's boyhood there were luminous green rabbits, thouhg they weren't this big and they hadn't yet slipped their cages and bred with the wild population and become a nuisance.
This one has no fear of him, though it fills him with carnivorous desires; he longs to whack it with a rock, tear it apart with his bare hands, then cram it into his mouth, fur and all. But rabbits belong to the Children of Oryx and are sacred to Oryx herself, and it would be a bad idea to offend the women.
It's his own fault. He must have been stupefied with drink when he was laying down the laws. He should have made rabbits edible, by himself at any rate, but he can't change that now. He can almost hear Oryx, laughing at him with indulgent, faintly malicious delight.
The Children of Oryx, the Children of Crake. He'd had to think of something. Get your story straight, keep it simple, don't falter: this used to be the expert advice given by lawyers to criminals in the dock. Crake made the bones of the Children of Crake out of the coral on the beach, and then he made their flesh out of a mango. But the Children of Oryx hatched out of an egg, a giant egg laid by Oryx herself. Actually she laid two eggs: one full of animals and birds and fish, and the other one full of words. But the egg full of words hatched first, and the Children of Crake had already been created by then, and they'd eaten up all the words because they were hungry, and so there were no words left over when the second egg hatched out. And that is why the animals can't talk.
Internal consistency is best. Snowman learned this earlier in his life, when lying had posed more of challenge for him. Now even when he's caught in a minor contradiction he can make it stick, because these people trust him. He's the only one left who'd known Crake face to face, so he can lay claim to the inside track. Above his head flies the invisible banner of Crakedom, of Crakiness, of Crakehood, hallowing all he does.
The first star appears. "Star light, star bright," he says. Some grade-school teacher. Big-bum Sally. Now close your eyes right up tight. Tighter! Really tight! There! See the wishing star? Now we will all wish for the thing we want the very, very most of all in the whole wide world. But shhh--don't tell anyone, or the wish won't come true!
Snowman screws his eyes shut, pushes his fists into them, clenches his entire face. There's the wishing star all right: it's blue. "I wish I may, I wish I might," he says. "Have the wish I wish to tonight."
Fat chance.

"Oh Snowman, why are you talking to no one?" says a voice. Snowman opens his eyes: three of the older children are standing just out of reach, regarding him with interest. They must have crept up on him in the dark.
"I'm talking to Crake," he says.
"But you talk to Crake through your shiny thing! Is it broken?"
Snowman lifts his left arm, holds out his watch. "This is for listening to Crake Talking to him is different."
"Why are you talking to him about stars? What are you telling to Crake, oh Snowman?"
What indeed? thinks Snowman. When dealing with indigenous peoples, says the book in his head--a more modern book this time, late twentieth century, the voice a confident female's--you must attempt to respect their traditions and confine your explanations to simple concepts that can be understood within the contexts of their belief systems. Some earnest aid worker in a khaki jungle outfit, with netting under the arms and a hundred pockets. Condescending self-righteous cow, thinks she's got all the answers. He'd know girls like that at college. If she were here she'd need a whole new take on indigenous.
"I was telling him," says Snowman, "that you ask too many questions." He holds his watch to his ear. "And he's telling me that if you don't stop doing that, you'll be toast."
"Please, oh Snowman, what is toast?"
Another error, Snowman thinks. He should avoid arcane metaphors. "Toast," he says, "is something very, very bad. It's so bad I can't even describe it. Now it's your bedtime. Go away."

"What is toast?" says Snowman to himself, once they've run off. Toast is when you take a piece of bread--What is bread? Bread is when you take some flour--What is flour? We'll skip that part, it's too complicated. Bread is something you can eat, made from a ground-up plant and shaped like a stone. You cook it... Please, why do you cook it? Why don't you just eat the plant? Never mind that part--Pay attention. You cook it, and then you cut it into slices, and you put a slice into a toaster, which is a metal box that heats up with electricity--What is electricity? Don't worry about that. While the slice is in the toaster, you get out the butter--butter is a yellow grease, made form the mammary glands of--skip the butter. So, the toaster turns the slice of bread black on both sides with smoke coming out, and then this "toaster" shoots the slice up into the air, and it falls onto the floor...
"Forget it," says Snowman. "Let's try again." Toast was a pointless invention from the Dark Ages. Toast was an implement of torture that caused all those subjected to it to regurgitate in verbal form the sins and crimes of their past lives. Toast was a ritual item devoured by fetishists in the belief that it would enhance their kinetic and sexual powers. Toast cannot be explained by any rational means.
Toast is me.
I am toast.

Oryx and Crake, Margaret Atwood

autumn

i try not to play favourites, but i think autumn is becoming one of my favourite seasons, even though it is the season of waning life; proceeding the high and glorious summer; preceding the austere and deathly winter; opposite the verdant and fertile spring.

this year, i noticed the foliage a bit more than usual as they transitioned from greens to a supernova of reds and yellows, soon to degrade to purples and browns. there is something vaguely heroic about going out in a flourish of colour. mortality is best confronted behind a veil of tropes.

every narrative -- correction: successful narrative -- is imbued with the cyclical narrative of the seasons. case in point, the generic romantic comedy is comprised of four plot intervals: the incidental meeting, the burgeoning relationship, the catastrophic conflict, and finally the speech that resolves their rift, leading to happily ever after. it is named a comedy not for its humour, but for the resolution wrought by conflict and catharsis (remember how every Shakespearean comedy ended in marriage?).

of course there are other powerful narratives, such as the bildungsroman (the coming-of-age tale), or the Aristotelian Tragedy (similar to comedy, except everyone dies). every once in awhile we find ourselves in the middle of a narrative that has been played out countless times before by people all around us, and the people that came before us.

i am figuring out what story i am part of. there is no better time to do it than when the trees are bare and all the branching connections can be traced; before the snow sets in and covers it all up.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Opening Night Line Up

Goaltending
1 Raycroft
30 Aubin

Forward Lines
LINE 1: 23 Ponikarovsky; 13 Sundin; 42 Wellwood;
LINE 2: 18 Kilger; 27 Peca; 10 Steen;
LINE 3: 33 Battaglia; 14 Stajan; 16 Tucker;
LINE 4: 9 Suglobov; 53 Pohl; 92 O'Neill;

Defensive Pairings
PAIR 1: 15 Kaberle; 24 McCabe;
PAIR 2: 25 Gill; 7 White;
PAIR 3: 3 Belak; 56 Wozniewski

Healthy Scratches
43 Harrison
32 Tellqvist

Injured Reserve
80 Antropov (lower body, day-to-day)
36 Bell (ankle bruise, 2-3 wks)
45 Colaiacovo (headaches, day-to-day)
46 Ondrus (lower body, day-to-day)
44 Kronwall (sprained ankle, day-to-day)

Suspended
73 Kubina (1 game)

Andrew Raycroft will start his first official game as a Toronto Maple Leaf after being acquired in the off-season and signed to a three-year deal. He is looking to rebound from a dismal, injury-plagued 05-06 season in Boston, where he was bumped off the number 1 position by Hannu Toivonen.
Jean-Sebastien Aubin is coming off a brilliant 9-0-2 finish to last season as a call-up when Belfour went down, backstopping the Leafs' final 11 games without a regulation time loss. He is jockeying for the backup spot with Tellqvist. Expect one or the other to be traded within the next 2 weeks as they are both signed to one-way contracts. His strong performances during the pre-season gives him the slight edge.


Mats Sundin came off the Olympics like a man possessed, having just led his national team to a gold medal. He practically carried the team upon his back, scoring 20 goals in that time, willing the Leafs into the final playoff spot, but ultimately falling short by two points. The off-season did not yield any high-end wingers for him to play with this season, so he has decided to play more selfishly (finally!) and he's been given the Leafs' most skilled offensive player, Kyle Wellwood.
Wellwood had a solid rookie season (overshadowed by Crosby and Ovechkin) and he will be asked to improve on that this season playing on the top line. Fortunately, he has a history of catching his stride every sophomore season with a team by nearly doubling his goal and point production. In his first year with the Belleville Bulls he was 14-37-51 (Goals, Assists, Points). His next year with them saw his numbers skyrocket to 35-83-118 and similarly when he was with Windsor and St. John's.
Alexei Ponikarovsky began showing flashes of his true potential last season, finally using his size and heavy shot to create chances. His on-ice maturity evidently developed as a result of playing wing to Joe Niewendyk in the pre-lockout campaign. Poni will be doing most of the spade work on this line, digging out pucks for the playmakers, Sundin and Wellwood. Look for his one-timer from the circle when Sundin takes up roost behind the net.

Mike Peca, the Leafs' biggest acquisition this summer, adds a gritty, blue-collar approach to what has been a lackadaisical disregard for backchecking characteristic of previous Leaf teams. He will be tasked with shutting down the opposition's top scoring line. One of the best two-way players in the game, he's like an annoying, grizzled shadow that will hit you in the open ice.
Alex Steen will line up on Peca's wing to add some speed and a counter-attack scoring threat to this defensive line. Already gifted with natural two-way play, working with Peca will only make him better. Look for Steen to improve on his consistency and stamina in his sophomore season. He won't be a big points producer, but he brings a lot of the defensive intangibles that a team like the Leafs will need. They almost acquired Chris Pronger from Edmonton when they asked for a Kaberle and Steen package, but John Ferguson drew the line at Steen, showing just how important he is for the future.
Chad Kilger was a waiver wire pick up a few seasons ago with journeyman numbers. Last season he showed a bit of his OHL scoring touch, netting a career-high 17 goals. He is a gritty player, with above-average speed and size and very willing to use it. Much like Ponikarovsky, Kilger will be digging pucks off the boards for his linemates to put to the net. Expect him to get a few breakaways because of his good backchecking and speed. Also expect him to barge in and shoot it at the opposing goalie's pads to neutralize the rush. Oh well.

The third and fourth lines will generally be in flux as people step in and out of Paul Maurice's doghouse. Bates Battaglia and John Pohl both had strong showings in training camp and pre-season games. They both played under Maurice with the Marlies (Battaglia also played under him in Carolina) so they know what it takes to stay in the big league.
Matt Stajan will need to play more consistently and to his full potential in order to stay as third-line centre. He will probably see a lot of penalty-kill time (tied for the lead in short-handed points last season) alongside either Kilger, Steen, Peca or Sundin. He will also need to improve in his faceoff game.
Darcy Tucker will be called on to try to break that 30-goal plateau he fell shy of last season. He will need to play with a more composed ferocity and stay out of penalty trouble. He will likely see powerplay time in place of Ponikarovsky on the first powerplay unit. Look for him to set up on the left side at the goal line with a one-timer as Alexander Mogilny used to.
Jeff O'Neill had an excellent 40-goal season once while playing for Maurice with the Hurricanes. He has since lost his touch due to injuries and dealing with the loss of his brother Don last summer. Once he improves his fitness and regains his timing, the goals will fall into place. Big shots from the faceoff circle are his specialty. He will need to play a more defensively sound game to make it back to the top line though.
Alexander Suglobov was acquired at the trade deadline last year when Ken Klee was shipped to the New Jersey Devils. He is a Russian, so the name of his game is offensive razzle-dazzle (like Ilya Kovalchuk, but not a jerk). Most of the time he'll pull off four moves when one would be enough. His defensive game has improved since last season with the Marlies. As he acclimatizes to the NHL pace of the game, we might see him elevated to a scoring line.
Once he returns from his mild injury, look for Ben Ondrus to supplant any player who is consistently a defensive liability. Ondrus plays like a small wrecking ball, hitting anything that moves. He's like a younger Tie Domi, but without the big mouth and big divorce settlement.


The Leafs Defense Corps is an interesting mix this year. On one end of the spectrum we have hulking behemoths Hall Gill, Jay Harrison, Andy Wozniewski, Wade Belak, Pavel Kubina and Stefan Kronwall. Kubina, Kronwall and Wozniewski are pretty good skaters so they shouldn't have too much trouble in the new high-octane NHL. Hall Gill had a lot of problems last season in Boston, often getting into penalty trouble due to his slow skating. He needs to stay in position, where he is very effective at clearing out the front of the net (or mashing someone into the boards). Jay Harrison is a very responsible defenseman, but due to Toronto's lack of scoring, he will probably be relegated to the bench for the likes of more offensively talented players. On the other end we have smaller, shiftier, puck-moving defensemen like Carlo Colaiacovo (oft-injured and currently so) and Ian White. They have good offensive instincts to match their decent foot speed. They will be tasked with carrying the puck out of their own zone and bumping up that first pass to the forwards. Hopefully they will not fall to the bad habit of cross-ice diagonal glory passes.
The backbone of the defense corps will once again be assistant captain Bryan McCabe, and his partner (indeed) Tomas Kaberle, both freshly resigned to lengthy contracts and looking to pick up where they left off last season. Kaberle's deceptively whirly skating (once the cause of many a turn-over) soared to new heights last season, certifying Kaberle's ability as a puck mover and passer. Bryan McCabe will usually be the recipient of Kaberle's feathery passes. Hopefully he will be able to pick up the (heavy-handed) scoring touch that he lost over the Olympic break last year.

which is worse?

1. angry social outcast unloads a military rifle into a crowded cafeteria of college students, singling out one girl to shoot repeatedly before turning the gun on himself when the police arrive.

2. angry teenager breaks into his father's gun cupboard and shoots his principal, whom he believes to have ignored his requests for punishment against his tormentors.

3. 53 yr. old man holds six girls hostage, sexually assaults them, and executes one before killing himself.

4. 31 yr. old trucker seeking vengence for an incident that occured 20 years ago, storms a small Amish school, ties up all the girls in front of the chalkboard and shoots them all one at a time before commiting suicide.