why?

maybe she's born with it...

what have i done with the month of may?
slacked; stayed up like a dead baby, slept like a dead baby; bought a cow bell, but not for myself; glorious hail mary touchdowns; hockeyed, boy howdy, i hockeyed; did some finances; cheered when i found my calculus mark to be well above 50, grimaced when i found my physics mark to be well below 90, grinned when i found my astronomy mark to be well above 80, laughed when i found my algebra mark to be higher than last year's; did some acting, screwed up some acting; pianoed; watched Angel die an undeserved early death, watched the Leafs tee off undeservedly early, watched Amy kiss Ephram, watched Chloe blow up, watched Yugi defeat Marik, watched two minutes of WB superstar USA; fell in love with Amelie; finally started a blog and promptly loaded it with pokemon and toilet pictures; drove using hand signals; partied heartily with my good buddies; got shot at with fireworks; started lvl. 100 battle tower; changed my wallpaper; left my wife of two months to live a life of sin with emma watson. hey-oh.

vulcan logic

the main objective of any bathroom visit is minimizing the time spent in such a visit. the main deterant of achieving this objective is 'splash'. splash is caused by a force that displaces a fluid medium in diverse directions and it adds precious seconds to your bathroom visit time by a) splashing all over your pants, and b) splashing all over everything else. b is not that much of a problem if you have no bathroom etiquette, but a is an unfun situation that you will wish to rectify before exiting the bathroom.

splash is a function of distance, incident angle and ratio of the splash indices of the two media, water/urine and procelain. the index of splash of water/urine on water/urine is effectively one. the splash index of water porcelain is approximately zero. thus, to minimize splash, one need only strike porcelain, rather than water.

can that not be done standing? initially, yes. however, the horizontal component of the distance achieved is a decreasing function of the force of fluid pressure in the bladder. more plainly stated, is that the distance between you and the moment of incidence decreases quite quickly. to maintain the incident point (or splash point) at the strategic position of porcelain, one must move forward to decrease the distance between the initial position (d = 0) and splash point (d = f(p)) at the same rate of force/pressure decrease.

couldn't you just calculate the perfect angle to strike the water in which the subsequent splash is limited to the confines of the bowl? that angle is 0 degrees, directly above the bowl. any splashing that occurs will be directly upward with little to no lateral splashing.

therefore, the way to minimize splash is to assume a seated posture. initial release will strike the porcelain, nullifying any splash. in the latter portion of said release, when fluid pressure is near zero and the distance/force is minimal, the incident angle will be approximately zero, thus rendering further extrabowlular splashing to zero. furthermore, the seal formed by the buttocks and thighs will intercept any stray, stubborn droplets that cared to defy the laws of toilet physics.

efficiency is intelligent laziness
david dunham

GUH...

*whimper*

baked cheese can be your friend... if you let it

minor overhaul to the template. this one is more organized and less... crappy. but if there's one thing i've learned from living, it's that you can never have too much crappiness. how would you appreciate good music if you haven't had william hung seranade you to sleep? how would you appreciate high literature if you haven't tried to follow a messy chat transcript? how would you appreciate beautiful films if you haven't seen The Black Knight?

** i am in no way affliated with william hung or the wonderful movie, The Black Knight. if you deem the material above deflammatory and insulting, i implore you to a) purchase william hung's cd. better yet, go watch the Jays game in which he will perform, live at the SkyDome for our listening pleasure, Take Me Out to the Ball Game - hopefully it will be as beautiful a rendition as one Mr. Ozzy Osbourne's; and b) watch The Black Knight, featuring the amicable Martin Lawrence (Bad Boys 1 and 2, Big Momma's House) as the fabled Black Knight of lore; before coming back.

slip inside my dreams...

ever had that secret that you just didn't want to keep? that crush that you just couldn't bring yourself to chat up? a biological parent that you looked up and found but don't want to meet because of bottled-up anger and insecurites? can't summon the strength to confront that cheating spouse? in love with your second-cousin's friend's maid? look no further.

i will say everything you've always wanted to say, be it a proposal, a confrontation or even a menu order. please leave a comment with all the necessary information regarding who, what, when, where, etc.

there is a small matter of fee, but that can be arranged with the interested parties at our leisure and depending on the quality of work required.

*all values in Canadian + expenses
proposals:
>casual - $2.15
>romantic - $20.00
>athletic event - $12.50

break-ups:
>phone - $1.25
>letter/email - $0.25
>personal:
>>your home - $12.47
>>his/her home - $18.76
>>neutral - $4.13

confessions of sin:
>idolatry - $136.78
>adultery - $0.27
>murder - $6.66

and many more...

loving fake lies...

Grau, teurer Freund, ist alle Theorie
Und grün des Lebens goldner Baum.
- Goethe

My dear Friend, all Theory is grey
and Life's golden tree alone is green.

i used to think that i was a theory-minded person. and maybe for some things i still am, but in general i have moved on to actually doing things. comes with age, one would suppose. and not just doing things, but experiencing. and not just experiencing, but accompanied by contemplation and reflection. i have concluded that it is not such a bad thing to grow older.

as it were, my program is physics. theory, theory, theory. and the practical portion interests me about as much as digging a pit into someone else's sandbox. and if you're familiar with my misgivings about digging up other people's sandboxes, you'll have a pretty good idea of what i think of physics labs and the subsequent write-ups.

o irony, why hast thou bereft me of a practical passion?

Pokémon of the Month

POKEDEX
name: JUMPLUFF!!!
number: 189 type: cottonweed elements: Grass/Flying
height: 2'7"/0.79 m weight: 7 lb./3.15 kg
evolutions: hoppip > skiploom > jumpluff (lvl 27)
Gold: once it catches the wind, it deftly controls it's
cotton spores to float, even around the world
Silver: drifts on seasonal winds and spreads it cotton-
like spores all over the world to make more offspring

base stats: HP:75 AT:55 DE:70 SA:55 SD:85 SP:110

first p.o.t.m. ever. and we start with a funny looking fluff ball of a pokemon. like a rotund cheerleader. mmm... rotund.

in terms of usage, jumpluff is a powder specialist, learning all the standard powder moves characteristic of grass-types. they include stun spore, poisonpowder, sleep powder, leech seed, and the new one, cotton spore. the only non-TM attacks learned
are tackle and mega-drain. needless to say they are useless.

speaking of useless, that's a pretty good adjective for this pokemon. with base stats skewed into the speed category, this pokemon has very little going for it. there are much better grass-types to use. but if you're just playing for the fun of it...

Moveset:
attach brightpowder
stun-spore
headbutt
double team
giga drain

with base attack/special attack stats of only 55, you're not going to hit them up for too much damage. so, stun spore + headbutt for paraflinching. double team + brightpowder for avoiding those pesky ice beams that will surely ravage this little ball of allergy. and giga drain for STAB and regaining some hp from double teaming.

Movie Review: TROY

starring: brad pitt, orlando bloom, eric bana, diane kruger

the illiad with many liberties taken to chop a ten year war epic into a 2 hr. 42 min. film.

anyone who watches for historical accuracy or is excited to see the illiad on the silver screen may be disappointed, depending on how you treat these sort of things.

in terms of pure entertainment, Troy is a cut above most action epics. the storyline was a melding of Homer's poem, the Illiad, and a pseudo-standard war romance. the movie is rather predictable, but still well executed.

the cast, for the most part, was splendid, most notable being Hector (eric bana). the extras were numerous, but easy enough to ignore. the camera work was adequate, not a breakthrough piece of cinematography by any stretch of the imagination. the soundtrack was decidedly un-greek, sounding very similar to LOTR and the Last Samurai, with what seemed to be broad, expansive wailings. brad pitt's butt gets more screentime than odysseus, the supposed main character of Homer's poem. the gods are mentioned but unseen.

* * * 1/2 (out of 5)

alright

and tonight i lack the strength to even move.
you walked and watched me die.
but i know this is harder for you,
for love has let you down.
yeah, come on.

and the road ahead is lined with broken dreams.
so walk, walk on by.
and i failed to give you everything you need,
for the fear's behind your eyes.

and i can't feel you
i'm not alright
i'm not alright

when i can't heal you
i'm not alright
i'm not alright
i'm not alright...

and i can't feel you
i'm not alright
i'm not alright
i'm not alright...

Jesus, as you throw me on the rocks,
for love, i left your side
for i believed in love and beauty's wealth
where heaven shines from your eyes

when i can't feel you
i'm not alright
i'm not alright

when i can't heal you
i'm not alright
i'm not alright
i'm not alright...

and so tell me that it wasn't all for naught.
you're such a waste now, you're such a waste now.
cause i know you're scared but baby don't you hide.
it's such a waste
but stand along now, you'll make it somehow.

lying here tonight, its all you think of...

i did not have a rotten day. the sun was partially out and the birds were frollicking on the winds. long walks are good for the legs and the spirit.

i was out with friends for quite some time today. having done so, how can i go back to school all alone for another eight months yet again? how can i possibly be content when my learning environment is not punctuated by glib retorts and open-air challenges to each other's testicular fortitude. who else would agree to buying a litre of chocolate milk to split in water bottles before going into a store to play aisle hockey? who else would think stuffing a large and grotesque penis statue into the back of a math teacher's van would be an apt retirement gift?

nevermind school. how can i dare enter Heaven without any of them? oh Sovereign Lord, i hope they are part of your plan. i pray that they are part of your plan.

for chance has laid it's cold hand,
upon your shoulder,
it's now your right to watch falling sands,
you're getting older.

i called up my friend the good angel...

ever get the feeling that somebody is out there watching your every move? and providing snide commentary to your life story? like some ethereal DVD...

oh, that was silly. why in the world would anyone try to flush THAT down such a small toilet?

no! rewind! i went to the bathroom and missed out! accursed bladder!

you should have attacked with your buster blader. his face-down card was nothing but a mystical space typhoon.

... and so on. so when i'm down here on earth, screwing up,
what does God banter about with JC and the HS about?

G: whup. sin. sin. there he goes again. [sigh]. there's
another one. oh, now that one is totally a sin.
J: yo, G, you want me to go forgive him?
H: he gots ta ask first, yo.
J: he's askin'.
G: [nods sagely]

d00d that would be so awesome.

she said that she'd love to come help but
the sea would electrocute us all...

extra supra explosivo

since its your first time visiting, allow me to introduce myself. i am a boy. i wear glasses with semi-thick, pseudo-rectangular, quasi-black (blue really) frames. i enjoy a variety of sports, including car-curling and hockey in all non-field forms. i attend the greatest university campus made entirely of concrete slabs, UTSC. my taste in music is defined partially by this simple mantra: if the bass is heavier than your mother, it's good. or if there is a piano, harmonica, accordion, didjeridoo or kazoo involved, it's good. i wear my hair stylishly messy, as if licked by a cow, but not a cowlick. in effect, i look like just about any chinese boy you'd meet on the street, skinny-ish and not quite tall with dark smoldering eyes that you could lose yourself in if they were just a little larger. i have two kids, but they don't exist as of yet.

i am looking for a nice lady friend to pose as my mail-order bride for an upcoming gala dinner with some dignitaries from Lithuania. if you are interested, please leave a comment stating so and be sure to include a description of yourself containing at least twelve of the following set of words: alluring, buttsecks, crass, dromedary, elephantitis, Freakazoid, gesticulate, hymen, insolence, jippijappa, kangaskhan, Lourdes, Megatron, nincompoop, oaf, peccadillio, quantum-slipstream-drive, rotato-potato, scantily-clad, tyrannosaurus-rex, underwear, vivisection, water-buffalo, Xena: Warrior Princess and Zoolander, Derek.

will you be my hero?

And so it begins...

welcome to pocketfish post #1. here you will find... not much. i have yet to decide on an online personality, a facade with which to present to you, unknown reader. shall i jekyll or hyde? cleverly cynical or viscously smarmy?

who cares? i get to get my write on.

oh mothers, hide your daughters.