Fog

It was nearly 2 AM, so I decided to take the back roads home in order to avoid the RIDE police (or else it would be revealed how much pie I had eaten). For a winter night, it was balmy; where there is balm there is fog.

I've driven through fog before, but not like this. It was so thick I couldn't see more than 3 metres ahead of me. The suspended droplets of moisture refracted and reflected most of my headlights into a halo of diffuse light against a backdrop of pitch black. Good thing I decided to take the roads with no streetlights and sparse residences, eh?

During driving lessons, I would pretty much zone out about situational driving. It was boring, irrelevant and not applicable at the time. Fast forward to the present and even snippets of those memories become lifelines to grasp and clutch when just such a situation arises.

For the briefest moment, I felt a twinge of fear. It was dark out there (you know how Canadians are afraid of the dark). In that briefest moment, my fear took hold of my imagination and all the what-ifs bubbled into my consciousness. What if someone crashed in front of me? What if an axe-murderer jumped out from the ditch? What if the fog was actually a poisonous, sentient cloud of gas hellbent on destroying human life?


We fear the dark for the same reason we fear change: it is unknown. Not knowing what comes next bogs us down with possibilities. For whatever reason, most of the possibilities that spring to mind first are the bad things.

I'm in a big foggy patch of change at the moment. I don't feel well-equipped to handle this uncertainty, or the possibilities. There are days that I am scared into inaction. Driving home on a foggy winter night is a walk in the park by comparison; I have taken that road many times before, be it under bright skies or heavy rains. Did I zone out earlier during this particular life lesson?

I drove slowly, making sure I did not outpace the visibility my headlights afforded, careful to watch out for things on the road so that I wouldn't hit anything, or anyone. Driving through the fog, I hung on to the certainty that I knew my way home and that the fog would not last forever. The sun will rise and the road will become clear.

I wake up every morning cautious of what the day might bring, careful to not push too far forward too fast, dreading the possibility that I might get hurt -- or worse, hurt someone else. But even in the midst of this uncertainty, I know my way home and this uncertainty will not last forever. The Son has risen and the road is clear.

Porcelain Philosophy 14: Tears

Let tears flow of their own accord: their flowing is not inconsistent with inward peace and harmony.

Seneca

When we were wee, whiny, and wonderful, what were our reasons for crying?

If my memory serves correctly -- and though it shames me slightly to admit it -- I was a crier. Scraped elbows and knees, getting caught in misdeeds, losing a game, and getting lost were some of the reasons I would cry. As I got older, tears still sprung forth unbidden from my eyes, once in awhile, whenever I didn't get my way.

Somewhere along the way, the masculine gender identity was determined to be exclusive of the act of crying; as emotion manifest, crying was seen to be of the feminine sphere. It was (and still is) considered unmanly to shed tears. To that end, boys were whipped into bottling up their feelings and distilling it into potent potions of masculine ambition, agression and angst. In my (not-so-humble) point of view, this is bollocks. Male or female, the human head is more or less crafted from the same mold; the ductwork, fixtures and apertures are all the same. To associate crying, a natural physiological response that everyone is capable of, to one sex is chauvinism.


Matters of gender discrimination aside, crying was, for most intents and purposes, a selfish reaction. Waah, I scraped my knee and you need to help fix me. Waah, she took my toy and wouldn't give it back. Waah, I am being pushed around by brutish boors. As a child, those moments happened often, and so crying happened fairly often.

Our tears betray our motivations. What we care about most deeply in our hearts run like underground streams within us. When our barriers are broken and our foundations are shaken, we will spring leaks where it matters most.

I'm not sure when it all changed, but the tears do not come so easily now. When they do, the reason is not because I didn't get my way, nor is it because I am damaged, but because of the pain suffered by others. Maybe it's all part of growing up, or maybe it's just the physical maturation of my prefrontal cortex, but I think I know what I care most about now.

Redecorating

Pocketfish is in the middle of some renovation at the moment. I still need to sit down and hash out the colour scheme, standardize fonts and clean up the template clutter. Your opinions and suggestions on the new decor are welcome. Eventually, I would like to design a template from scratch; alas, I am currently not brave enough.

EDIT: Dec 20
Added Post Expansion to long entries to keep scrolling on the main page to a minimum. To expand a post, click the button below to see the rest of it.


Instead of "Read more..." or similar text, I decided to craft a little button that matched the theme of the blog. I am hoping the plus sign is self-explanatory enough.

Pillow Talk

"I'm worried. What's the matter with him?"

My eyelids fluttered briefly, as I contemplated opening them. Short talk: closed; long talk: open.

She turned on the lamp.

My eyelids decided to stay steadfastedly shut; scrunchily shut.

She nudged me gently.

If I pretended to be asleep alre--

She elbowed me in the ribs.


"Eh?"

"Our son. He's been so mopey, lately. Haven't you noticed?"

My ribs let it be known that they would not brook another jab and sent fair warning that I should attend to the source of said jabbing to prevent further abuse. My eyes opened slowly to adjust to the lamplight and I turned to face she of the soft, yet forceful elbows.

"He's 14. Isn't it sort of expected?"

She sat up.

"Can't you take anything seriously? I'm really concerned for him! What if he's gotten into a gang and has been taking drugs or something?"

I mentally chided myself for breaking the cardinal rule of pillow talk: thou shalt not disagree with thine woman. Damage control, STAT.

I sat up as well, and wrapped my arm around her. "That certainly would be a cause for worry. Has he been doing anything suspicious?"

"I don't know. He doesn't talk anymore? He used to be so cheerful; now he looks like everyone's out to get him."

She looked up at me.

Danger! Danger! Imminent request! Imminent request! I knew what was coming next, but I was powerless to stop it. Curse you, mood lighting, warm snuggle and beseeching eyes!

"Can you talk to him?"

I felt the warmth being sapped out of my body. I pulled the blankets higher.

"T-talk?"

"Yeah, you know, man to man, or whatever it is that guys do."

"Uh, guys don't talk."

"Pfft. You talk to me. We're talking right now."

"Guys don't talk to guys?"

"Quit trying to weasel out of it. This is serious. He's your son."

Great idea! How can I weasel out of this? Ah! Throw her off the scent.

"I'm pretty sure it's not gangs or drugs."

"Oh yeah? Well what do you think it is then?"

"I remember being 14. It's probably just a girl." I slouched down against to headboard to return to a position more conducive to sleep. Problem solved.

She turned and put her chin on my chest.

"Really? You were like this when you had a crush on someone?"

"Oh definitely. Mopey, sluggish, completely anti-social."

"That does sound like the way he's been acting. Wait, who did you have a crush on?"

I poked her nose. "You, silly."

"Balderdash. You didn't know me when you were 14."

"Heh. It doesn't matter what age. When you like someone who isn't really reciprocating, you're bound to get mopey."

"I reciprocated!"

"Way too subtly."

"So you think he's just got a crush on a girl?"

"Mmhmm."

She grinned.

"So you definitely have to talk to him about that! Find out who it is! Oh, God. What if he's already... you have to have the Talk with him!"

Ah crud.

Because videos save me the trouble of writing

about how awesome Olive (and Pushing Daisies) is, I'll let you see for yourself.

Hopelessly Devoted to You
Pushing Daisies S01E02 - Dummy

Eternal Flame
Pushing Daisies S02E08 - Comfort Food

Why don't we do this dance instead?

Numfar Dances the Dance of Joy
Angel S02E21 - Through the Looking Glass

Lorne the Host returns to Pylea, his home dimension, with Angel and co. in search of the displaced Cordelia. The prodigal Lorne is reunited with his mother for the first time since he abandoned his music-less world to pursue a singing career on Earth, much to the joy of his brother Numfar. Joss Whedon, creator/writer/director of the show, makes a special cameo appearance as Numfar.

I just thought I'd let you know that

Nerd Corner: Samurize

The first time I took up Samurize was documented in this previous post. Having successfully removed the clutter from my desktop workspace, the background developed a potential for functionality. At that time, I chose to turn it into an at-a-glance Heads Up Display of sorts for things like battery life, processes, CPU, hard drive and RAM usage. In the intervening years, the little widget on the bottom-left corner of my desktop evolved from being amateurish eye-candy to a more utilitarian box of bars and numbers.


It was adequate and useful, but generally a bit of an eyesore because it looked so out of place. So pitiful was the design that I even set a keyboard hotkey to hide the thing from view. For the most part, I prefer form and function to walk hand in hand and those previous attempts left something to be desired. However, I never bothered to change it because I never really had any particular urgency, or any particular inspiration, to gussy it up.

Last week, a blog post on Lifehacker popped up on my radar. They have been featuring the desktop customizations of an enterprising and generous individual. Naturally, seeing something awesome makes me want to be awesome too.

I won't burden you with having to see the 'before' desktop (it was boring) or with how it was created, per se, as Samurize has a bit of a learning curve that cannot be expained with words as well as it can be learned from trial and error.

Here is the new one:
Click the screenshot for notes. Click here for full size.

List of Programs (etc) that contributed to this desktop:
Overall Theme: FlyaKite w/ Leopard 3.0 Visual Style (Dark)
Wallpaper: Dawn in Madrid
Windows Explorer Address Bar: QT Address Bar
Windows Task Bar: Finderbar 3.1
System Tray: Dexpot and Notebook Hardware Control
Application Launcher: Launchy 2.0 with MinimaLaunchy skin
Dock: ObjectDock with Konfabulator Glass skin, Leopard GTD Icons
Desktop Monitor: Samurize, collapsible self-made config

System: Asus Z63a Pentium M 1.83 GHz running Windows XP SP3

Don't Let It Die

Pushing Daisies: the best show you aren't watching



Out of the Question


Sentimental Monkeys


Childhood Influences/Kick Pooh, Kick!


Zombie Rights/I don't think that anymore


Burly Bruce and the Real Girl


I Never Thought to Ask

The English Major: Discretionthe better part of valour since 1598

Time to put my tuition fees to good use. In a spate of nerdery, I rebranded an old post with a new Pocketfish category. Without further ado, may I present the inaugural post of The English Major, where I get militantly uptight and anal retentive about literary things that matter very little. I also get to use big words!

What has become a severe point of consternation to me in recent years is the disregard for the subtle discrepancies between the words discrete and discreet. The blithe denial of any difference between the two in some writers (accomplished ones at that) is symptomatic of our socio-cultural climate of writin' the way I talk (not to be confused with the satire that is LolSpeak).

The misguided lexical belief is that if two words look the same and sound the same, they must be the same. This is most prevalent in Canadian schools due to the fact that Canadian English has no identity; is it British or American? is it -our or -or? English itself is but a pastiche of neighbouring tongues. While some nationalities command an iron-cld control over what makes it into their lexicon, it has been said that English is the language that mugs other languages in dark alleys for their words. Small wonder that the swapping of two letters in words so similar can cause such confusion unbeknowst to the hapless writer.

The goal of the English Major, then, is to cast light upon such errors (and allow me to be, momentarily, a self-righteous pissant like a Pharisee of phonology).

Discrete and discreet are discreetly discrete words.
Discrete and discreet are homophones. They both sound ('phone') the same ('homo-') when spoken outloud. As these are not words commonly employed in colloquial communication, when one chooses to do so, one gets confused because both are accepted by spell checkers.

From Dictionary.com
discrete: adj.
1. apart or detached from others; separate; distinct: six discrete parts.
2. consisting of or characterized by distinct or individual parts; discontinuous.

discreet: adj.
1. judicious in one's conduct or speech, esp. with regard to respecting privacy or maintaining silence about something of a delicate nature; prudent; circumspect.
2. showing prudence and circumspection; decorous: a discreet silence.
3. modestly unobtrusive; unostentatious: a discreet, finely wrought gold necklace.

The English Major salutes all those that now understand the distinction between discrete and discreet. If you see such error in your future travels, discreetly make the correction.

Frank Lee's Peking Duck

Quack.
I'm feeling oronymical.
My Chinese math teacher always laughed when he assigned us question 6c.

The Midterm of Moderate Monotony about Me

1. I like...
A. Acrostic Poetry
B. Big butts and I cannot lie
C. Crenellations
D. Dinosaurs

2. How many concussions did I have in my first 10 years?
A. 1
B. 2
C. 3
D. 5

3. I once had to take a time out because...
A. I threw an orange on to the school roof
B. I was braiding the hair of the girl in front of me
C. I got into a fight over $2
D. All of the above

4. What instrument does my boss play?
A. Piccolo
B. Bassoon
C. Glockenspiel
D. Viola

5. What is my softball uniform number?
A. 42
B. 17
C. 13
D. 24

6. What is my favourite Microsoft Office application?
A. Excel
B. Word
C. Powerpoint
D. Outlook

7. Which Pokemon starter did I always choose?
A. Bulbasaur
B. Charmander
C. Squirtle
D. Pikachu

8. Which superhero would I rather be?
A. Spider-Man
B. Iron Man
C. Superman
D. Batman

9. What was my job title in Grade 8?
A. Social Relationship Counselor
B. Mild-mannered Student
C. Player
D. Unemployed

10. Who do I profess to like?
A. Amy Adams
B. Emma Watson
C. Jenna Fischer
D. Alysson Hannigan

BONUS: Short Answer
In six words, describe why I use Opera.

The Plan: holding course

On Tuesday, Apple launched the latest iteration of the MacBook line. Nerds and non-nerds alike are now gawking, gushing and griping at length about the virtues and slip-ups of these pricey slabs of metal.

As mentioned back in February, and detailed further in April, the MacBooks (and Pros) have been redesigned. They are now being manufacturered with a process pioneered by the advent of the MacBook Air in which the notebook shells are carved out of a solid piece of metal. Watch the video about this engineering feat.

For the uninitiated, here's what's new and awesome in the design:

• Looks like an iMac and a MacBook Air did naughty things
• Fully metal chassis, with the primary piece carved from a solid block of aluminum, makes for a very sturdy and svelte design
• 0.95" thick
• No more palmrest cracks or lid warpings
• Magnetic 'latch', just like the one that's been on my computer for 3 years
• MacBook Air keyboard, with backlighting on 3 of the 4 models
• Massive glass touchpad-button
• Easy-to-reach hard drive
• Battery indicator on the side

Reviews are trickling in; Apple fans are laudatory and delirious, Apple not-fans are snippy and dismissive. I, for one, like what I've seen so far and what it means for my (not evil) Plan. Envelopes were pushed.

Here's the run-down of what this latest offering means for my next way-too-well researched purchase:

Distinctions Blurred
The MacBook and the MacBook Pros once looked worlds apart. One was plastic and the other was metal. One had budget basic components, the other had the best that could be crammed into something 1" thin. Now, the two look identical, save for size, a few ports and speaker holes. The same unibody build quality, and very nearly the same underlying hardware means the MacBook is essentially a MacBook Pro Jr. For those that never needed the MBP's power but would go for it because of it's superior build, you can now safely pursue a more fiscally responsible purchase. What this means for me around this time next year is that my decision will be far tougher. I wanted to go MBP, but now, if the price is right(er), I can go MB without losing anything in build quality.

nVidia 9400M chipset
Apple has done away with the Intel chipset and their woebegone integrated graphics solution and upgraded to a company that actually knows graphics. For the same power consumption, MacBooks now have approximately 5x the graphics processing power as the previous model. Of course this chipset is fledgling, only officially released by nVidia the day after Apple's notebook event and nVidia's chipset track record is far less stellar than Intel's standards-setting level of reliability. It also means Apple's notebook refreshes cannot be predicted as easily as these past 4 years. Intel's roadmap is bared for all to see 2 or 3 years in advance. They churn out updates like clock work. Every 6 months there is either a new CPU (Q1) or a new chipset (Q3), and notebook makers follow about 2 weeks behind.

So will Apple have a newly updated computer ready for me this time next year? Maybe. Their next OS is slated to ship Oct. 09. What better way to launch Snow Leopard than with refreshed notebooks?

Dedicated to Graphics
Speaking of Snow Leopard, the hardware choices made in this redesign speak to the software advances Apple hopes to make with their next OS. They are aiming to harness the processing prowess of GPUs to work in tandem with the already over-powered CPUs and rebuild their software to take advantage of the hardware by cutting off the cruft required for historical compatabilities (PowerPC). Having stronger graphics solutions in their machines allows the software to take immediate advantage.

Good enough to buy now?
The MacBook got a significant upgrade from the previous model. The build quality exceeds the plastic one in more ways than us non-engineers are aware of. Its hardware is actually comparable to the MacBook Pro now while staying several hundred dollars cheaper. The MacBook Pro on the other hand, did not gain quite as much relative to what the MacBook was given, but still maintains a very high standard of quality that would be hard to equal with another brand at this price range.

I'm scheduled to make a purchase around this time next year. I will be keeping an eye out for signs of things to come. They will likely be upgraded in March/April with the latest Intel CPUs (Nehalem) and with hardware fixes for the bugs that inevitably crop up after a few months of use. If the update after that does not hold any significant gains, I will pony up during Back to School to score an iPod out of the mix. Otherwise, I will stay the course and (finally) switch when Snow Leopard arrives.

Movie Review: Once (2007)

If anyone asked me what kind of music I preferred to listen to, I'd say, "acoustic." As far as genres go, "acoustic" is more of a technical style, rather than a musical style. I like it because it strips away all the musical crutches available to an artist -- post-production editing, mistake-covering electrical instrumentation, overwhelming rhythms -- and exposes the singer, instrumentalists and the song itself for what they are. It's pretty easy to tell when a song or singer is not that good once those elements are taken away. By the same token, it is very easy to tell when a song or singer is most excellent when unplugged.

Such is the case with Once, an independent Irish musical film shot and produced on what essentially was an independent budget. The actors had one appearance's worth of experience between them all. The aforementioned budgetary contraints also meant no fancy sets, no fancy costumes, no Hollywood pretties and next to no lighting. If ever there was an 'acoustic' film, this was it.

In this way, Once is either a love-it, or hate-it kind of movie. Some people watch movies to be blown away by boobs and bombs, or other shallow gimmicks designed to hook you in. Once is a film that requires a patient audience that can see beneath the surface and truly experience a story for what it is.

At its core, Once is like a Chekovian short story: a tale of broken people going through the motions of their lives until a chance encounter sets them on a new path for a brief period of time. The two leads are unnamed, down-and-out musicians who cross paths one day in the shopping district of Dublin, Ireland, where the Guy is busking on his worn-out guitar, trying to make some extra cash for a trip to London to win back the girl he writes songs about. The Girl is a poor Czech immigrant working a number of menial jobs to support her family. A broken vacuum cleaner brings them together and out of their shells. Fixing the vacuum cleaner at the father of the Guy's vacuum cleaner repair shop allows them to begin helping each other fix themselves.

The one element of this film with polish is, naturally, the music. Performed and written primarily by the two leads, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, the songs themselves are reflective of the film's understated mise-en-scene. They are raw, plaintive, simple, and surprisingly good -- illustrative of the film as a whole. The guitar that Hansard plays also acts as a metaphor for the brokenness of the characters as well as the film's. Everyone and everything is sort of just hanging in there and hoping for the best.

Put together, Once is far better than the sum of its humble parts. The interweaving of the story and music is occasionally forced, but never beleaguering. The acting is not A-grade, but all the more honest for that. The occasionally improvised dialogue is often broken by the mannerisms and filler words of everyday conversation -- a big no-no in big-budget mainstream films, but perfect here. The story teases and hints but refuses to go the Hollywood route. The camera work borders on homevideo quality, imparting a sense of intimacy that steady filming and adequate lighting cannot achieve. Like a good friend, Once is a gem of a movie whose flaws only serve to make it all the more endearing.

*** 1/2 / 5

Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova performing the Academy Award winning song "Falling Slowly" on The Late Show with David Letterman.

Porcelain Philosophy 13: Branding

I came across an article on marketing that raised some very poignant insights about company branding, as well as reputation building. The article is about how some companies run themselves into the ground by overextending their brand (e.g. if Nike started to sell photocopiers).

It was something I only noticed implicitly; seen in the light, it makes a lot of sense. The most powerful brands become synonymous to their products. What do you think of when you hear the word Google, or Kleenex, or Xerox, or Febreeze? If I were in charge of a company, I'd love for the brand to one day become a verb the way Google has.

But that's not the point of the post. Below is the pertinent excerpt.

If you're working in a job, [...] be known as a genius for something. Know how several things work. But branding yourself in one skill makes you the expert. Every time the company has a fire in that section, you will be known for your fire-fighting skills.

On an ordinary basis, most employees are not known for any particular skill and wonder why they are on top of the redundancy list. Bosses don't know what you do and why you're special, because you haven't been doing the 'branding bit'. It's better to be a specialist than the 'safe unknown.'

The author recommends committing to a specialty to help you stand out from the crowd if you're vying for marketshare.

This got me thinking: what am I known for? What am I known for at work? At school in class? At home? What immediately comes to mind when you think of me?

At St. Florence, I was the guy who handled miscellaneous problems, particularly technology-related ones. I visited the school last winter just before Christmas holidays fired up; after making my rounds visiting teachers and students, I was paged by the office. It turned out that they were gearing up for an afternoon of watching a movie in the gym and the principal needed assistance with the computer and projector. Now, at work, I'm paid to be that guy. At church, I am that guy. Pretty much everywhere I go, I seem to become that guy, even if he is not exactly who I am. I wonder sometimes if this label was just some niche I slipped into because it was open.

But all of that is meaningless because it is temporary.

Let me put it this way: if the Bible were still being written today, what would I be known for? Would I be a hero like Joshua, or would I be a cautionary tale like Saul? Would I even be mentioned? I don't ask this because I want to be recognized or revered; I ask myself this because I know what I've been given and I want to know how to pass it on.

Minor Details

The Ford Mustang has updated its branding for the 2010 model.

The change is subtle, but significant.

I think it can go further than that, so I've taken the liberty of redesigning the iconic Mustang badge even futher. You're welcome, Ford.

A Series of One Haiku

I farted today.
It smelled like sesame oil.
I can't explain it.

Now You Know: Exceleration

During the month of May, I worked with Excel quite a bit entering marks. The spreadsheet was spread throughout 20+ worksheets (the tabs at the bottom). As a proponent of the keyboard and the speed it offers data entry tasks, it was a chore to navigate between worksheets, to say the least. How I longed for an Alt-Tab-like solution to cycle through the sheets.

Today, I had another data entry task with only two worksheets to flit between. I was already doing everything manually by mouse (copying and pasting some cells to match up to a row in another sheet). Recalling my past despair, I resolved to take a stand and find a keyboard shortcut, even if I had to install AutoHotKey and program one for this very reason.

First things first: when you encounter a problem, it is always best to do some research. Chances are, someone has come across the same issue and already found a solution. So I googled "excel switching worksheets" and found this. By golly, I giggled and clapped my hands for a minute, and then proceeded to put down my task just to write this.

To switch between worksheets in Excel: Ctrl + Pg Up/Pg Dn

On Lemons and Other Tropical Fruits

You know that saying?

If life gives you lemons,
Make lemonade.

It's a pithy saying that's supposed to be a glass half-full outlook on life that will get you through the sour times.

The lemons are a metaphor; e.g. lemons are the orphan babies that American football couples adopt from Asia (Author's note: balderdash).

Lemons also refer to products that are duds, primarily vehicles or electronics. These are products that made it through the manufacturing processes, the quality assurance tests and ended up in the hands of a consumer, only to have him or her discover that the end product leaves a lot to be desired. Any large batch of products will inevitably yield a percentage of lemons. Exercise your warranty.

Funny thing: I like lemons.

Funnier thing: I like grapefruit even more. It is arguably worse metaphorically, being both bigger and more bitter. I don't know if you've had the opportunity to throw a grapefruit before, but let me tell you, it's downright fun. Grapefruit have a heft that is reminiscent of softballs. In fact, softball designs were based on grapefruits (Author's note: absolute habberdashery).

If life were to throw grapefruit instead, life would probably take some measure of sadistic pleasure in doing so.

that

wasn't

so

bad.

oof.

Mystery Bug 2: in the Office

I got into work early this morning. At the doorway to the bathroom I frequent, I beheld an amazing sight. There was a sizeable, light-coloured insect in a state of disassemblage on the floor in front of the door. Picking through the wreckage was a slightly smaller dark insect with a chitanous carapace.

I wanted to stay and watch, but I also had to use the bathroom. After I finished my business, they were still right there on the floor. I hopped back into my office (next to the bathrooms), grabbed a piece of paper, and scooped them up for closer examination on my desk.

Of course, once they were placed on the desk, the still-living insect bolted for the nearest cover (a Compaq Presario v5000). I played hide and seek with it for about 6 minutes, but quickly tired of its survival instincts. What I wanted to see was its gluttony so that I could capture the feeding on camera, so I proferred the remnants of its meal, still on the paper, to the scurrier but to little avail.

Clearly it was not comfortable eating in plain sight where it preceived imminent danger. So I relocated them to the floor under my desk. Under relatively darker evirons, the black bug was content to return to feeding. I filmed it with a point-and-shoot camera (Casio Exilim Z55) that was woefully ill-equipped to handle dark and close-up work. Nonetheless, I faithfully captured the moment the best I could, partially lying on the floor of my room while some automated processes were running.

Fig. 1: Video of Feeding

Naturally, the mystery of the identities of the insects began to draw my attention after the novelty of watching one insect dig through the innards of another, less fortunate insect lost its appeal. For posterity, I took a few snapshots. Again, it must be reiterated that my camera is not built for close-up work, so sadly, the quality leaves a lot to be desired.


Fig. 2: Feeding in the Dark


Fig. 3: Really getting in there


Fig. 4: Nom nom nom nom

During the course of the composition of this post, I did some research into the insects I observed. The living one was easy enough to identify, as I had a specimen that had been stepped on, but remained largely intact (COD: thoracic rupture). It looked like a black beetle that lived on the ground; this was verified by a quick Google Image Search for "Black Ground Beetle".

The edible one proved to be more difficult, owing to several of its body parts being detached and likely missing. Its most striking feature, apart from its ability to separate into pieces, was the pair of filament-like structures protuding from its abdomen. Such a feature is fairly rare in the insect world, allowing me to rule out about 90% of them right away. From this point, I just had to look up pictures for known insects with tail-like structures.

At first, it seemed like Bristletails fit the bill, but closer inspection revealed that bristletails did not have the same kind of long legs seen in the photos. I've finally settled on Mayfly. Mayflies have the filamentous tails and long-ish legs seen in the photographs.

The ground beetle was likely scavenging the remains of a dead mayfly, as beetles generally have a tough time tackling airborne prey. Adult mayflies live only a couple of days, devoting all that time to reproduction. The wings were likely bitten off at the first opportunity to reduce dragging weight.

Approach at the Plate

When stepping up to the plate for an at bat, many things go through a hitter's mind; for the most part, the hitter will be thinking of what kind of pitch to look for and where to try to place the hit.

Successful hitters will not go up to the plate aiming for a home run every time. When a hitter starts to think home run, things fall apart. He will swing harder and more often, becoming very susceptible to deceptive pitches.

Instead, successful hitters focus on simply making good contact, and not try to force the ball into any particular direction. Strikeouts and bad pop-flies happen when hitters overthink at the plate, and try to swing for the fences. It takes a lot of patience and maturity to hold back that eagerness to go for one glorious swing. It is all about making the right swing at the right time.

I've been looking for a softball bat for next season. Knowing very little about bats, and having little opportunity to try different ones out makes it very difficult to find the right one. I've been researching and reading reviews to try to determine the best choice at my price range. Initially, I searched only with my eyes, focusing on things like the design, the colour scheme and how cool the name was -- shallow things.

There is more to a bat than that though. The reputation of the maker, the feel of the grip, the balance of the weight, the flex of the barrel and the durability of the construction are all important factors -- factors that must be tested through experience. The reviews only tell you as much as the reviewers know to tell, and even then, it is only their opinion. All the discernment and wisdom in the world cannot tell you how the bat will fare until you take the risk, pay the price and live with it.

On Tuesday, I found the one that I had been eying. It's not a very well recognized model, but those that know it recommend it highly. I gave it a good hefting, but decided to put it back on the rack in the end. It felt very nice, and the price was reasonable (20% off), but the timing wasn't right.

The softball season just finished, and every year, a new class of bats are forbidden. How silly would I feel if I ponied up the cash for something I thought was right, only to be told I cannot use it come game time? Not only that, I would have spent this year babying it, playing with it and growing attached to it, only to have it taken away from me in the end.

So I will continue to wait. Summer will come around again; by that time, the signs will be very clear about which bats are allowed. If it is still on the market, that bat might go up in price as more people discover how good it is. I'm not worried; I will likely have more income down the road.

Now You Know: Words I Didn't Know How to Say When I was 5

Well, there are a lot of words I didn't know when I was 5, but that was because I was ignorant of their existence. Instead, I will just give a short list of the words that I thought I knew how to say, but did not. Let's see if you can determine their real-world analogs.

Make-Be-Leaf

Bagina

You know how I'm right all the time?

Yeah, I hate it too.

Now You Know: Bats

Through the course of conversation at dinner with my family last night, I uncovered a few glaring misconceptions that some of my family members had. This is through no fault of their own; not everyone watches the Discovery Channel. Below is the only one I care to address today.

Misconception: Bats are blind.
Fact: Bats are not blind. Misconception #1 is a common one. It is a reasonable assumption to make for cave dwelling creatures with echolocation capabilities. By that same token of logic, dolphins also ought to be blind because they live in the dark ocean and also have echolocation. The truth is that not all bats echolocate. There is a suborder of the bat family, informally referred to as Megabats (how cool is that?), that relies on visual acuity to identify their food -- primarily inanimate fruits and flower nectar. The echolocating suborder, Microbats, are also capable of seeing, but rely more on sound than sight when targeting highly mobile prey in the darkness of night. There is a species in Belize that actually catches fish (video).

We had a bat in our garage for a few nights.

Porcelain Philosophy 12: On Handling Frustration

Part of a larger collection of peer-contributed devotional writings.

The best laid plans of mice and men
often go awry.

Frustration is the feeling you get when your plans just don’t seem to work out.
There is little doubt that you will face frustration and worry during this trip, be it finances, or rejection from the very people you seek to bring to Christ. Plans are the structures that we build to give us something to fall back on when things go bad. When your plans fail, the frustration often is debilitating.

But wait! There is hope!

Haven’t our sinful selves been crucified at the cross? Haven’t we been raised again anew in Christ? When we go forth to proclaim the Good News, it is not our plan, but God’s. In all things, God will provide; “consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them” (Luke 12:24). If God takes such meticulous care for the creatures of the Earth, why should we, His beloved Children and Bride of His Son, ever worry about anything?

The frustration of rejection need not bother us either. When Jesus sent His disciples out to proclaim the Kingdom of Heaven’s dawn, He instructed them to “shake the dust from their feet” as they left the house or city that chose not to receive the News (Matthew 10:14). When you go forth to proclaim the Good News, you are to be like the voice and breath of God. What obstacle can bar the way of the wind?

If life were like this...

Limerence

I thought I had a notion
of all the words regarding emotion;
but then -- anon --
I happened upon
one that looked a lot like Limerick.

I Research My Impulse Purchases

I ponied up for a new phone last week: the LG KF510. It's the prettiest, shiniest thing I've ever put in my pocket.

I just want to tell you how I'm feeling

Everytime I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong. So I'll have to say, "I love you," in a song.

Armchair Coach: State of the Roster

the last time i wrote about the Leafs was back at the Trade Deadline. a few things have changed since then: they met expectations by not making the playoffs by a rather narrow margin, thus ensuring that they would have a mediocre draft pick at the end of their mediocre season.

for those who are out of the loop, here is where things stand.
subtractions:

Andrew Raycroft - signed by Colorado Avalanche

Darcy Tucker - signed by Colorado Avalanche

Scott Clemmensen - signed by New Jersey Devils

Kyle Wellwood - signed by Vancouver Canucks

Andy Wozniewski - signed by St. Louis Blues

Simon Gamache - signed with SC Bern

Paul Maurice, Head Coach

still up for grabs:

Mats Sundin

Jay Harrison

John Pohl

miscellaneous Marlies

additions:

Ryan Hollweg - traded from New York Rangers

Jamal Mayers - traded from St. Louis Blues

Mikhail Grabovski - traded from Montreal Canadiens

Curtis Joseph - free agent

Jeff Finger - free agent

Niklas Hagman - free agent

Luke Schenn - 5th overall pick

Ron Wilson, Head Coach - signed from San Jose

i said a few months ago that the Leafs would need to start thinking ahead by rebuilding from a small core of players already in the system. thankfully, my list remains intact. i said that we would need to build from the back end a corps of defensemen who are committed to actually playing defense. the Leafs traded up for the 5th overall pick to land Luke "the Human Eraser" Schenn, the last of the top-tier defensemen in this year's draft, and signed Jeff Finger on the opening day of Free Agency -- a defenseman purported to be 'stay-at-home' and 'tough to play against'. i said we needed forwards who could finish plays, and we've kept Jason Blake and will be adding the services of Nikolai Kulemin and seeing more of Jiri Tlusty.

will things be better this year? probably worse, but sadly not bad enough to hit 30th in the league for a good shot at landing John Tavares at the next draft. at the very least, our core people will develop into stronger, more dependable players. Ron Wilson is a coach that is reknown for rebuilding successes, instilling responsible, two-way play and getting the most out of young players. it's a small step in the right direction.

next task:

Ascertain Sundin's future

Shed heavy contracts: McCabe primarily

Land a permanent General Manager

i'm a waiter

that is to say i am the type of person that waits. i try to arrive at events or appointments or classes 30 minutes early so that i can get a lay of the land and gather my thoughts. it's like swimming after eating. you'd be doing yourself a favour by waiting the half hour.

i hate being rushed. there are situations in life that you should get pumped up for, like watching your wife-to-be walk down the aisle, or lunging out to catch an egg from falling. getting to class should not be one of those situations.

waiting is not about killing time (take that, clock!). waiting is about preparing yourself, your attitude and your mindset before said event, appointment or class. with the right attitude, you'll be equipped to handle whatever comes your way. say the event goes bust because something catches on fire and there is panic at the disco. because you were there half an hour early, you had time to scope out all the fire exits, alarms and extinguishers, thus saving the day by directing everyone to the exits and defeating the blaze with your arrayment of extinguishers.

as illustrated by the above example, waiting is not a passive activity (oxymoron!). waiting implies future decision, or action. it is the calm before the storm, the shoring of armaments before battle, the inhalation before the exhalation. waiting is doing something.

it's been a long wait; many months of nothing. but now it is done. Avatar has wrapped up it's third and final season in epic fashion. it was well worth the wait.

Politics: ur doin it rite

Sean Tevis for State Representative of Kansas

Can you resist the allure of references to:

bulletin board-speak

xkcd

Napoleon Dynamite

indexed

Rickrolling

Battlestar Galactica

300

all in one?

Pygmy Orca (Orcinus pygmaeus)

Not to be confused with the Pygmy Killer Whale (Feresa attenuata), the Pygmy Orca is a docile, hand-sized cetacean generally found in sub-tropical waters. Its name stems from the uncanny resemblance to the full-sized Orca (Orcinus orca), known to the Inuits as the Sea Wolf, and more colloquially as the Killer Whale.

Pygmy Orcas, like their larger cousins, congregate in pods of up to 32 for safety. Their communal nature and higher than average intelligence is also evident in their feeding patterns. They work together to herd and swarms of krill into a waiting subset of the pod. Pygmy Orcas are the only toothed whales to actively predate on krill, as it is the only food that will fit into their mouths. Like their larger cousins, Pygmy Orcas employ echolocation to navigate the seas and to find food. Each pod has a designated alpha couple who coordinate feeding and migratory paths. Pods of Pygmy Orcas are often seen coasting in the slipstream of full-sized whales, allowing them to traverse vast distances on minimal energy.

Pygmy Orcas are very familial and mate for life. A couple can produce up to 3 babies per litter, but are only fertile every 3 years. The pups take about 14 months to reach full maturity and size. The adults take turns tending to the pod's nursery, while others hunt. The average lifespan of a Pygmy Orca is about 15 years.

As they are mammals, Pygmy Orcas can live out of the water for brief periods of time, but their skin is delicate in the air and will dry and crack if taken out of the water for too long. They are not large enough to have large stores of blubber, so they live in warmer waters than their namesakes.

Porcelain Philosophy 11: The Space Between

Mental exercise: pick your favourite song, or piece, and play it in your head. Now strip out all the pauses and breaks and rests in the music and play it again. How does that sound? Now take all the notes and tones and sounds and play them all at once. Correct, that sounds terrifically cacophonous. It's like eating a whole steak all in one go; it does not taste any good and will cause you to retch. The music happens in the space between the notes. Enjoyment of a steak happens within each bite. The pause is where the tension and drama happens. It is all about the anticipation.

In recent days I have been doing some research into web design principles. One oft-overlooked component of good web layouts is white space (or negative space). White space is any part of the layout that does not have any content. In a book, this would generally be the margins, where your fingers can grasp the pages. In a newspaper, there is white space between columns to give them separation and consolidation. On a web page, white space can break the content into manageable chunks for absorption, as most content on web pages is simply scanned, rather than pored over. White space helps focus the reader's attention on the content that matters.

Good web page designs will employ the Law of Closure, a specific manifestation of Gestalt perception. People are naturally inclined to mentally 'fill-in-the-blanks' when presented with incomplete images because the mind strives for structure, regularity and logic. Your brain anticipates what ought to be there in the image, and your perception is informed thusly. The image on the left is not of a morning star, but merely some black near-triangles with one curved side. The notion that white space makes things simple for the viewer and, at the same time, makes him think unknowingly is deliciously ironic.

In our own times of rest and respite are usually when life is simplified; they are also the times when we tend to think the most, focusing on what is truly important. In the second book of his Elegies, Sextus Propertius, coined the well known phrase,

Semper in absentes felicior aestus amantes,

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. While this phrase has been overused to the point of becoming cheese, the sentiment remains true. One of the signs of love is the anxiety and preoccupation of the mind that comes with separation and distance. Not having something (or someone) will make you want it (or him/her) even more.

This goes beyond emotional attachments and personal interaction; this is a philosophy. If you are living your life constantly on the go, meeting the bottom lines, pushing ahead and striving to achieve, you are not living and you sure as cheesecake are not growing. Your bank account may be swelling, or your trophy shelf caving, but when time runs out, you will have nothing. Take the time to enjoy, to cherish, and to share. If something wonderful comes your way, you have every right to pause and savour it. As the venerable late George Carlin (and Hitch) so aptly put it,

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

"I can tell it's gonna be a good day"

i drove to work this morning to this song: A Good Day, by Priscilla Ahn (click her name; the song is playing on her website). it's a nice, slow, gradually-waking-up song -- the kind of song that brings to mind opening your eyes to a sunbeam dancing over the hair of the pretty girl who was peeking through the curtains to see if the dog next door was up and playing yet. as i drove in silent reverie, i thought to myself, i think i will strive to have a good day today.

the work day started out well enough. i received notification that an employee had some difficulty retrieving an attachment he opened directly in Outlook and saved to the temporary folder and i was asked to document the retrieval procedure. it took about half an hour of research and drafting and screenshotting -- about 2 times faster than most procedures i've been documenting lately. it was that quick because most of the process was documented in a previous write up about managing the OLK temporary folder.

an hour later, my supervisor asked me to write up some alternative methods that did not involve the registry editor, which is understandably daunting for most users. so i dug up some alternative methods and documented those.

towards the end of the day, i receive an email that was sent to me and my supervisor saying, "Regarding Herman's response to this issue, please review our concerns with him. I do not think he understands that it was not that simple."

i'm not one to get mad easily, especially at work, but i was quietly livid.

i was angry not so much that the document was not to his satisfaction, even though i take great pride in writing as concisely and as clearly as possible, but at the fact he wrote as if i was not even there, all the while including me in the email.

i toyed with the idea of writing a magnanimously patient response asking him for clarification about which specific part of the document he did not understand and would like addressed, but my suspicion is that the document was not actually read. i held my tongue, as it were, and just went to see my boss about it. she has far more experience dealing with this sort of thing, and her insight into the matter was that they just wanted to have their hands held.

i wasted the rest of the work day taking step-by-step screenshots of how to use Windows' Search function, and how to search for hidden files and folders. it was brutal. but i promised myself i would have a good day.

---

i sat in on a Hosanna cell group program tonight, filling in for our pastor who was away at a General Meeting in Ottawa. so with half a dozen high school guys, we watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. yeah, the movie about to guys pretending to be gay. definitely some strong discussion questions that could have arisen from that movie, especially pertaining to male self-image and doing what's right, even when it hurts.

as i was about to go home, i discovered that my car had been scraped up while it was parked at the side of the street. the driver side mirror was folded in, the mirror jarred loose and the corner shattered from the impact against the car door. the bumper under the headlight was where the scrape occured. there was no note, and the fact that the mirror was still folded was evidence that whoever hit my car did not even bother to get out and check what he, or she, hit.

for the second time in one day, i was incensed.

i had a passenger to drive back, so i let that fleeting flash of fury pass and approached the situation as objectively as i could. i considered Encylopedia Browning the matter, and i actually talked to the guy in the house i parked outside of to see if he saw or heard anything (or looked guilty). i was too tired to care any further than that. on the way home, i mused about and i promised myself i would have a good day.

everytime i insist on having a good day, some woe befalls me. then again, it could be that i am prompted by God to strive for a positive day when woe is scheduled to befall me, so i am pre-emptively prepared for disasters that would normally derail me.

Getting Out of Getting Hit On

"How come no one has harassed me yet?"

- from the Sexual Harassment Complaints Box

For some, getting hit on is an irritation; for others, it is a longed-for luxury. Fact: they're both jealous of each others' ability/inability to get hit on.

For the uninitiated, 'hitting on' someone is a display of attention, subtle or overt, for purposes ranging from self-indulgence in hopes of assauging a fragmentary relationship with an absentee parent to genuine interest in lifelong loving commitment.

For the most part, males are the precipitators of this social intercourse, while females are the recipients. Much has been said about how the male species ought to comport themselves in such a situation to ensure the continuation of their genetic lineage, but precious little has been said about how females can refuse advances effectively to ensure their genetic lineage is not tainted with undesireable traits.

To begin our exploration of this uncharted realm, we must first investigate how the male approaches his quarry before we can discuss how he can be stopped at each stage of his endeavour.

Stage 1: Sight Lines
Males primarily rely on their sight to identify prospective females. The best way to get out of being hit on is to not be hit on at all. Therefore, the main goal is to appear undesirable even if seen. Females can obfuscate their visibility by a variety of methods:

Physical Interference: use the environment to your advantage, ex. hiding behind obstacles, to prevent being seen at all.

Numerical Interference: there is safety in numbers. stay in groups to overwhelm him with too many choices.

Relative Interference: hide yourself in the shadow of someone who can draw off attention, in the same way that Jupiter's immense gravity field wards off asteroid and comets from striking the Earth or the Sun's brilliance washes out the light of the stars.

Mimicry Interference: the perfectly edible Viceroy Butterfly resembles the poisonous Monarch Butterfly and thus hides in plain sight by virtue of being undesirable. Females can adopt this defensive mechanism by exhibiting undesirable traits, ex. public excavation of dried mucus from the nasal cavity.

A difficulty occurs when a female is both vying for attention from a specific person and trying to avoid attention from everyone else. In such a case, an awareness of your surroundings and 'audience' will attract the right male and ward off the rest.

Stage 2: The Approach
Once a female is singled out, the male will try to make his presence known through acts of manliness (headbutting, chest thumping, loud talking) and moving into the female's proximity. Advances are best avoided as early as possible with minimum communication before momentum is built up. Therefore, to avoid being hit on, one must recognize the signs of approach and raise warning of disinterest in advance. Here are a few effective, non-verbal warning signs:

Evasive Maneuvers: most males do not like to be obvious about their intent (at least to third parties), so forcing him to take a meandering, circuitous route to reach your side will be enough to throw him off his game (if he is weak).

Focus Group: take advantage of the presence of your group of friends. The ideal Approach a male desires is one-on-one interaction. Maintain your focus on the group conversation, as any eye contact with the approaching male will only serve to bolster his confidence. Keep him out in the open surrounded by your peers who can cast judgmental glances. Any thoughts of funny business will quickly turn into thoughts of self-defense.

Blunt Force Trauma: if he is within earshot, turn your conversation towards the blunt, hard truth about being a woman. Loud, heated discussions on menstruation, birth canal tearing, mammary gland infections etc. will turn anyone who is not absolutely serious about loving you around.

Stage 3: Conversation
The primary desired result of hitting on a female is for the male to enter her sphere of attention. At this stage, any attention is considered good attention by the male. When a conversation is initiated, the female must reply (because females are incapable of being that rude). Provided the above steps were taken to try to prevent a conversation, the only males that make it this far are a) genuinely interested, b) unconventional and sneaky enough to avoid detection, c) using the power of technology to circumvent stages 1 and 2 (instant messaging, Facebook, email, blog posts with thinly-veiled metaphors and references). Situation a) is probably the most difficult to deal with because it hurts to hurt someone who is genuinely investing time and effort into getting to know you. This does not mean you should give him a chance if you've already decided that he is not a potential. Euthanize his hopes in no uncertain terms, or else he'll come back for seconds due to selective hearing. The following are some examples of effective hope euthanization methods:

"Sorry, I'm not interested in starting a relationship with you."

"My boyfriend/fiancee/husband was thinking of getting that [gadget] too!"

"This ring is really straining my shoulder. I'm not used to the weight."

If, however, the male's courage and persistence is found to be admirable, and your feelings about him range from ambivalent to we-could-make-beautiful-babies, you're looking at a free lunch at the least.

Disclaimer:
The preceding were merely suggestions and should not be taken as Gospel, or even scientific truth. In the event that the male in question is clearly a creep, get the hell out of there.

Why We Write

on wednesday, i was linked an awesome blog; one particular post caught my eye.
for the first time since Opera 9.5 came out, i was happy that the internet was invented and that it has evolved towards user-generated content, rather than commercial fluff. there are some really excellent writers out there who wouldn't have had even the remotest chance of making it into my brain if it weren't for the internet.

of course, the internet is not all good and gravy. the gold is hidden in the dross and muck and refuse and detritus; it takes a good deal of work and luck to find a nugget worth holding on to. it's the same with life and love and work and everything else. there will be good times and bad times; sweet moments that you wish could last forever and painful moments that you wish would go away; days when the productivity is peaking and days when you just want to switch all the keys on the keyboard with someone else's.

what i really like about this example is that he writes the way i want to be writing 10 years from now. it's like looking into the future. i've found a few similar writers who have travelled down the same path i'm on now. they write down their memories, experiences and insights for their own reasons (like i'm doing now); somewhere down the road, it helps someone else understand his or her own world in a different perspective.

while most of my writings have been frivolous, whimsical or downright awkward, i do hope some of them turn out to be someone's gold one day.

the way things change

change is in the air. i can feel it.

the one big ability our mortality affords us is the ability and motivation to change*. changes come in all stripes: good, bad, positive, negative, reinforcing, deconstructing; what those stripes are depend on your interpretation. are zebras white equines with black stripes, or black equines with white swaths of hair**? someone go shave a zebra please.

apart from the subjective changes, there are also objective changes: categories of change that have no element of interpretation.

i have a pair of stereo headphones that came with a little radio i got back in the late 90s. i thought they were cool, because of the way they wrapped around my head and bent to fit into my ears. i've used them consistently as computer headphones for the past 2 years. a few weeks ago, i noticed that the sound from the left side was noticably missing. after doing a quick diagnosis (plug in different speakers/headphones while running the same video), i've concluded that this pair of headphones has changed, i.e. failed, just through the daily grind of being worn and translating electronic pulses into timpanic vibrations. this kind of change is what i would call an Environmental Change, like erosion or tectonic motion; it just happens.

Environmental Changes can be positive or negative; by positive, i mean additive, like how the Mississipi River deposits silt at the Gulf of Mexico to form a delta, and by negative, i mean subtractive, like winds of the Arctic carve away at boulders.

the other objective change is the Deliberate Change, where an agent or sentient force exacts a premeditated alteration to something that is not operating in the desired way. in psychological terms, this would probably be Operant Conditioning. when i first started to use my laptop, it would not connect to wireless networks automatically, requiring mouse movement to click on the network manager icon and selection of the desired network. you know how much i hate unnecessary mouse movement***. so in an effort to become more efficient, i exacted a change that allowed me to connect to networks automatically, but sacrificed a hardware button to turn off my wireless card. this resulted in further changes, whereby the wireless card was disabled through keyboard shortcut. the rest of the story is documented in its entirety in a previous post.

by nature, or by intervention, i am being positioned for something promising and interesting. old paradigms crumble in place of different, and hopefully better ones.

* yes, BSG viewers, i totally swiped that from Natalie-Six.
** polar bears have black skin and clear fur.
*** i know some people that still click the Enter button with their mice after entering something into a form field.

"what do you do at work?"

i make stuff like this:

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how to seduce a hoimin

if you've ever thought to yourself, "hoimin's so dense; how can i ever get him to notice me?" this post is here to help.

Primary Seduction Vectors

do you know the 5 Love Languages? well, now you do. if you're looking to seduce me, you have to speak to me in the langauges of love that i understand. the following are the angles of attack that are most effective against me. we're talking about a 74% success rate of getting me smitten if half of these methods are used -- even accidentally.

Proximity - if you're in my field of vision, or simply sitting near me consistently, i will notice you. the key is being consistent for a few times, and then playing hard-to-get, so that i'll wonder, "hey, i wonder why she doesn't sit nearby anymore." i am highly susceptible to psychological manipulation. this method appeals to my first love language: quality time.

Conversation - let's me get to know you. usually, the more i get to know someone, the easier it is for me to notice how awesome she is. i can't converse very well, so if you're looking to use conversation as a seduction vector, you'll have to do most of the talking. conversation will also allow you to show off how smart, clever and funny you can be. wordplay is an underrated point of attraction. this method appeals to my first love language.

Let Me Get That For You - you can make me feel really pleased with myself by walking around with something awkward-heavy and letting me carry it for you when i ask. same goes for door-opening, shoelace-tying and getting hair out of your eyes when you're up to your elbows in random muck. this method appeals to my second love language: acts of service.

Punching/Slapping/Shin-Kicking/Tripping - just like grade school. i'm sure you remember how. this appeals to my third love language: physical touch.

Secondary Seduction Vectors

the Observer Effect - start some rumours. if everyone starts talking about us even when i've never spoken to you before, it will cause me to start thinking about you.

Special Powers - i'm a big sucker for ladies that have special powers and know how to use them. examples of special powers include: crossword puzzle solving, singing, catching flying objects, making babies do funny things, laughing, eating and communicating with animals.

it is a great time to be a nerd

this past monday was Apple's WWDC (developers conference), where they announced a launched a plethora of promising items (iPhone 2.0 & 3G, OS X Snow Leopard, MobileMe). the upgraded iPhone garnered the greatest amount of attention from the intertubes. i'll admit that i was not interested in the first iPhone, but exposure to it has softened my stance over the months, and now the iPhone 3G's foray into Canada has piqued some interest.

what i was really pleased about was Snow Leopard, the next OS X. it is set to launch next year, which is exactly the time i plan on acquiring a new notebook (see The Plan). it will be light on new visible features, but high in refining processes and performance. its main focus will be utilizing the new hardware (multi-core processors) more efficiently and effectively. while some people find the name confusing, i, for one, think it is awesome. this is not simply because i heart snow leopards, but because the name speaks to the incremental nature of the improvements. essentially, OS X 10.6 will be the same as 10.5 Leopard, but with changes under the hood.

---

on Tuesday, June 17, Mozilla will be releasing Firefox 3.0, the much awaited upgrade to the lacklustre Firefox 2.0. even though i'm not a regular Firefox user, i am still excited for this release. from what i've seen in the beta, 3.0 is vastly superior to 2.0 in terms of memory usage, speed and general usability. aside from the wonderful collection of extensions and add-ons, Firefox does a lot of the little things well -- like in-line spellchecking and update management. Mozilla is looking to break the Guiness World Record for number of downloads in one day with Firefox 3.0's release. here's your chance to become part of history, or, if you're like me, wait until the day after, when the servers are less stressed and shaft them out of one more download.

---

Opera 9.5 (Kestrel) was finally released today to subdued fanfare (relative to the above news). Opera currently holds 0.7% of the world's marketshare of browsers used. this is reflected in North American usage, but not indicative of European statistics, where it is the browser of choice for a significant number of countries. i've been using Opera since 9.0, so i'm a newbie in comparison to the stalwart users from 1994, when the company first entered the browser market.

like Firefox 3.0, Opera 9.5 is a fairly significant improvement over 9.27. i've been using the alphas and betas upon their respective releases, so the speed increase and some of the features are not quite so novel. however, there have been a few changes made since the last build i used (beta 2). the most marked difference is the new default skin in Windows. i must say that i am not a fan of some aspects of the new look, but they are not too obtrustive. apart from those minor niggles, there is plenty to be pleased about. i will likely devote a separate post to Kestrel in the near future. for the uninitiated, Lifehacker has a short roundup of what's sexy in this latest release.

thx b2 da Ceiling Cat 4 seshun reestor

words i would use to describe a subset of a certain school board's trustees, in lieu of actual sentences, to illustrate the irony of the word trustee

selfish immature self-serving irresponsible unreliable disgusting complacent money-grubbing broken unconscionable autocratic unprofessional disgraceful

so casual, yet so awkward

the favourite time of day for my parents to confront me about my personal life is after dinner, when we're washing the dishes (i.e. when no one else is around and when i cannot escape).

their latest salvo has moved beyond the usual, 'where does [so-and-so] go to school and what does she do?'; or the simple, 'do you have a girlfriend yet?'

now my mom just says, 'herman, your girlfriend must be very domestic, because you totally cannot take care of yourself and it would be very reassuring for me'; 'you know, nowadays it's pretty common for guys to date older women. one or two years older is pretty reasonable' (paraphrased from the cantonese). if i combine together everything she's said on the subject in the past three years, it'd make a decent wish-list.

it also sounds like my dad is the one spreading rumours about who i'm dating. he likes to observe and guess as much as i do. as i said before, with their powers combined, they're pretty accurate most of the time.

they are, by no means, pushy or gossipy people; i think they just want me to be more candid about my feelings because i generally tell them nothing of consequence. i do plan to start once there is something to tell.

By the Numbers: Grace

the above is a subset of the people of the world we live in, plotted onto a graph that shows their likely level of 'goodness' at any instant, on a scale from 0 to 10.

so you don't cheat, steal, kill or fornicate with animals. most people would say that you are a decent human being -- a nice, pleasant, good person. by golly, you don't even cuss or download mp3s or dance in public (want a medal?). you read the Bible, the Koran and the Torah every night before bed, pray before every meal and visit to the bathroom, kiss your mom goodnight and leave a 16.7% tip minimum for every service rendered. hallelujah! praise the Lord because you always say, 'praise the Lord' after something good happens.


this next graph shows the same numbers as seen in the previous graph, but in the context of God.

our 'goodness' compared to others, in the context of God, is negligible; our 'goodness', in the context of the truly Good, is nothing. still, in our decrepitude, God reaches down to offer saving grace for all who accept it. no one receives any more or any less than the other.

still a viable career option*

i visited the mall for the third Saturday in a row today. of course, the previous two trips were not of my own accord, but because i was accompanying someone who wanted to return items to Best Buy.

while trolling the stores for something interesting, i found my parents stopped in the middle of the mall looking up at something through the skylight. my dad called me over to take a look. a few thoughts crossed my mind: perhaps it was a crack, or a decal sporting an interesting pattern.

it turned out to be a large black bird. and i mean LARGE; like, turkey-sized. bigger than any city bird has the right to be. it was bigger than a raven, with a hunchbacked profile and a tiny, bald, wrinkly red head.

"what is it?" my dad asked.

i quickly polled my mental roster of North American birds, filtering for birds that were big and black with bald red heads.

"it's a vulture! or a buzzard. they're the same." i replied.

i wasn't positive at the time, but as i continued to gape up at the magnificent, but ugly creature, i felt pretty sure that it was a turkey vulture. it had colouring and shape that was similar to the more famous Californian Condor, but it was definitely not big enough, nor was it in the right range to be the condor.

as i stared, i wondered why i hadn't seen a turkey vulture in Toronto before. as this thought passed, a second turkey vulture joined the first. they waddled around on the glass, leering hungrily into the mall.

i watched them until they flapped off.

in other news, i finally used the GAP gift card i recieved in 2003.

*in grade 3, i wanted to grow up to become a birdwatcher.

Nerd Corner: Music Slideshows in Powerpoint

similar to music videos, music slideshows are a series of pictures set to a piece of music. two years ago, if someone asked me to set a slideshow to music, i would have shrugged and said that it couldn't be done, having once tried for hours to no avail. but that was back when i was impatient and not yet adept at Googling for help.

Music:
assuming you want to use a song for your presentation, go to Insert > Movies and Sounds > Sound from File... and find the MP3 (most other formats are not supported, but midi and wav are usable). now i'm tired of writing, so i'll just link you to better instructions. it has screenshots for Powerpoint 2003.

If the song doesn't work: MP3s cannot be embedded into the presentation (incorporated into the slideshow file) and are linked instead. Powerpoint calls up the audio file based on the filepath of the MP3 when it was inserted. Powerpoint will not be able to play the song for a number of reasons:

• Incorrect Filepath: was the song file moved? was the presentation sent to you without the song?
• Missing Codec: Powerpoint only has access to a limited number of audio codecs -- basically the default Windows Media Player ones. if it doesn't play in WMP, re-encode the song.
• Filepath is too long: Powerpoint cannot access any linked files that have a filepath longer than 128 characters. move the file somewhere closer to the root folder, or rename a few things.

if you're sending your Powerpoint presentation to someone else, and it includes music and esoteric fonts, do your buddy a solid and send the song and fonts as well. if everything is in the same folder, Powerpoint should be able to detect them.

Transition Timing:
you know what's tacky? music slideshows where the transitions do not match the rhythm of the music. this is usually the result of a lazy presenter highlighting all the slides and setting the timer for an arbitrary amount. to truly impress your audience, put a bit of time into making sure the slides change in places that make musical sense, with pictures that reflect the lyrics or mood of the music. this is art; each artistic choice must serve some purpose, or carry some message.

to set the timing for transitions, you can go to Custom Animations and mess with the timer. it takes forever; by the time you're finished, you'll have heard the song enough times to hate it. this is the slow and stupid way that i've been using forever.

here is the new way that i just found after spending a couple hours making a music slideshow for a wedding. now you'll save yourself countless hours in the future. you're welcome.

Israelites Sue God for Breach of Covenant

NEW YORK – Attorneys representing the Tribe of Abraham filed suit against God in New York's Southern District Court Monday, citing 117 specific instances of breach of covenant.

continue reading at The Onion.

The English Major: bad grammar makes me [sic]

over the past year or two, i have had the pleasure of editing and marking some lovely pieces on a wide variety of topics. where there is pleasure, however, there is pain. today, i am wasting my 500th post on the most egregious (hi, Lyris!), and most pervasive grammatical sins i have encountered.

These errors have always been their, its because your stupid.
The following errors are the result of generations of people writing the way they speak.

There/They're/Their
There - the opposite of here. e.g. "She went over there."
They're - equivalent to "they are." e.g. "They're not present."
Their - the 3rd-Person Plural Possessive Determiner. e.g. "The dog was their responsibility."

Its/It's
Its - the 3rd-Person Singular Gender-Neutral Possessive Determiner, as in "Defeating the Russian at the game of chess was its finest moment."
It's - equivalent to "it is." e.g. "It's time to d-d-d-d-duel!"

Your/You're
Your - the 2nd-Person Possessive Determiner. e.g. "You must have lied; your pants are on fire."
You're - equivalent to "you are." e.g. "You're fired."

Comma Splices
I defer to the Wikipedia entry.

The Future Generation of Grammatical Errors
The following have developed in recent years due to the elimination of formal grammar teaching in education. They are intriguing to the descriptive linguists and infuriating to the prescriptive linguists.

'They' is the new 3rd-person singular gender-netural pronoun!

I don't want to tell you who ate the cupcake because they would be mad.

In this politically correct day and age, we no longer default to the masculine for catch-all phrases. Instead of taking the time to say, 'him or her,' or 'he or she,' we now use 'them,' or 'they' as the 3rd-person singular gender-neutral pronoun when referring to people. This shows up quite frequently in anecdotes where the speaker, or writer, tries to preserve the subject's privacy by obfuscating the gender with the incorrect use of 'them' and 'they.'

These pronouns should be reserved for their intended plural usage so that listeners, or readers will know when there are multiple people, or when there is just one person. This error is so widespread, however, that listeners and readers actually have no confusion about the number of people being referenced. Instead, they have adapted to find different contextual clues to inform their interpretations.

Apostrophic Catastrophe's

Buy 20 Hamburger's!

When pluralizing, many people now apostrophize their plurals. It is ridiculous. Things like hamburgers and waiver forms are being anthropomorphized, and given the ability to possess empty space when their sentences are left unfinished. This error is so common that there are now websites to chronicle its infiltration of the unknowing public.

Could of, should of, would of!

"I can't believe they left without me! They could of told me first!"

This one causes me the greatest pain. In fact, I will go so far as to say that I hate this error the most. I don't hate the people that commit this error, but I do hate the error. This is a textbook example of how people craft their sentences based on the way they sound when spoken. "Could/should/would of" makes no syntactical or semantical sense.

Those that commit this crime error want to say "could have," or "should've;" the sound of 've' is very similar to 'of.' Writers must be conscientious of not only how their sentences sound, but how they're read as well.