26.4.06

arch-nemeses

i thought i should do a bit of interactive blogging...

throughout life, one will come across a variety of things, loves, regrets, rattatas, etc. once in awhile, you come across something so diabolical, you just can't help but grimace at the very thought of it: your arch-nemesis.

in case you don't know what i'm talking about, here is a list of people and their respective arch-nemeses:


Ash Ketchum | Gary Oak
Inspector Gadget | Dr. Claw
Jesus | Dan Brown
Zordon | Rita Repulsa
Michael Scott | Toby in HR
Clark Kent | Lex Luthor
George W. Bush | Osama bin Laden
Dr. John Dorian | Dr. Jan Itor
Heero Yuy | Zechs Marquis
He-Man | Skeletor
Sailormoon | Queen Beryl
Pedro Sanchez | Summer Wheatly

and like all superheroes...

Herman Chan | guess...


who or what is your arch-nemesis?

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I am nerdier than 50% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!
average as usual.

16.4.06

see you next Fall

that's right. i made a foliage pun.
since we're out of the playoffs now, it's time for another installment of arm-chair coach. hockey team building is the same as pokemon team building, or yugioh deck building. you're looking primarily for skill and synergy (complementary skill sets).

here is who i think we should keep:

13 Mats Sundin - the captain loves it here and we should love him more. most of us finally got a chance to see him with actual wingers at the Olympics, rather than the usual platoon of bumpkins Sundin has had to play with over the years (namely Renberg and Hoglund). he has been on fire lately with the support of big wingers Antropov and Ponikarovsky, and on the one shift he got to play with Lindros this year, they manufactured a scoring play. clearly, big and fast is the name of the game Sundin thrives in. i know, i accidentally juxtaposed Antropov with fast. talk about embarassing.

15 Tomas Kaberle - underrated, and generally under appreciated, Kaberle has the puck moving skills that every team in true contention needs anchoring the defense corps (see Brian Leetch). while he used to get a lot of flak for coughing up the biscuit in the past, Kaberle has proven himself this season to be a premier defender. if only he'd learn how to shoot with assertiveness (see Olympics, 2006).

10 Alex Steen - heralded as the top prospect in the Leafs organization these past years, Steen did not disappoint. already he has proven to be competant, speedy and defensively responsible, drawing many comparisons to his father, Thomas. he can do it all: five-on-five, powerplay, penalty kill. watch for him to really shine now that he's had a taste of a full NHL season, rather than the 50~ game european season.

14 Matt Stajan - anyone who's ever mentioned hockey around me knows that i have a huge man-crush on Matt Stajan. someone even got me an autographed picture of him, so now i love her forever. he has a similar skill set to Steen, but he is a natural centerman, rather than winger. he is very proficient on the penalty kill, leading the league in shorthanded points and ranking in the top 3 with shorthanded goals. while he'll probably never be a 40 goal scorer, his solid all-around play will earn him proper recognition in a few years once he becomes consistent. he is the resident Leaf trivia nerd and also very creative with the puck one-on-one. once the team recognizes that, we'll win some shootouts. his synergy with Steen was clearly evident even before the season began.

42 Kyle Wellwood - i call him Frodo, but if you give him even the slightest opening, he's a Gandalf with the puck. AHL highlight reels are littered with Wellwood's goals. he is a fluid puck mover and passer, much like Kaberle, but with natural scoring instincts. characteristically, Wellwood has slow freshmen seasons in every league he's played in, but breaks out in high fashion for his sophomore years. expect him to score a plethora of dazzling goals in the next year when they give him more ice time and freedom to move under the new NHL rules.

45 Carlo Colaiacovo - freak accidental injuries have hampered his hockey growth, but once he gets a full season under his belt, look to Colaiacovo to become an outside scoring threat. he is very smart on his skates and strong on puck movement, so look for him to become a cross between Kaberle and McCabe, skill-wise, once he fully develops.

37 Ian White - another puck moving defenseman, albeit on the smaller side. white has proved himself to be NHL ready in the brief stint he's had with the parent club this season. he has likely earned himself an upgrade in the depth chart with his smart defensive decisions, quick skating and offensive contribution. definitely a top-4 defenseman in an era when speed trumps size.

23 Alexei Ponikarovsky - Quinn's faith in this guy has finally started to pay off after years of ho-hum performance. Poni finally broke the 20-goal barrier and has proven himself to be quite deft with finishing plays. his speed and size give him power forward status, and he's finally started to throw his weight around (thank you, Joe Nieuwendyk). while he'll probably never become a Peter Forsberg or Eric Lindros from 10 years ago, he will probably be an Owen Nolan or Gary Roberts if he keeps progressing as he did this season.

16 Darcy Tucker - with the new premium on speed and skill, rather than stick-sledding, Tucker did enjoy a more productive season this year, particularly on the powerplay in the very-low slot that Alex Mogilny used to inhabit. since we didn't trade him for high picks, we might as well use him to the fullest. put him with a saavy passer who can draw defenders off and Tucker can unleash his very accurate slapshot. he has learned to control his temper better, so that will help keep him out of the penalty box.

46 Ben Ondrus - energy!!!!!!!!!!!! this guy is a bag of sugar with a cup of caffeine. once he hits the ice, he hits whoever has the puck (but not stupidly, like Belak). forechecks hard and causes opporunities for his linemates. he's like what Tie Domi should be, but without the oldness and the big mouth.

what we need for next season:
- a short-term number one goaltender, capable of playing 50 games (cujo!), to hold the fort while Rask and Pogge develop. a goalie that is not as marquee will make the rest of the team play more responsibly in front of him, rather than saying, "oh, it's okay, he's got it covered."
- a BIG, veteran stay-at-home defenseman
- BIG, low garbage goal scoring threat (Antropov could do this, if he weren't so scared of standing in front of the net)
- elite-level winger (left shot) to play on Sundin's line (like Simon Gagne to Peter Forsberg, or Jordannathan Cheechoo to Joe Thornton)
- a coach who values better players, rather than over-the-hill veterans

are you studying?

if so, here's something (courtesy of alwin and, by extension justin who introduced him to it) that will take your mind off of anything and everything.
Dr. McNinja. it appears realultimatepower grew up.

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sherm: there is a bee or a wasp in the bathroom... or maybe a hornet.
herm: send in a fire pokemon. they're strong against bug-types.

5.4.06

i have made a startling breakthrough in social science

everyone loves boobs funbags.

babies are always looking for them.
they're the first thing you notice if you're 4'6".
non-gay guys like them: they are the only things middle/high school jerks consider.
girls are obsessed with them: how big they are, how directly related to self-esteem they are, how they look, how they (the funbags) look when they (the girls) lean over, how much more of a raise (ha) they can garner, etc.

and we all know, by television or film or experience, people like to touch them. a lot. but what has hitherto been unexplored (for many, many reasons) is the fact that people would touch them all the time if they weren't barred by social restraints (ah, Freud).

case in point: stuffing your shirt. this is meant for guys to try because a) girls have real ones, and b) you can't touch real ones without real problems arising. also, no girl is immature enough to actually do this sort of thing.
in this sociology experiment, go stuff your shirt to the approximate shape of a female torso. it doesn't have to be done well and it doesn't have to be even. it merely has to be apparent that your shirt is stuffed to appear boob-like.

now when your friends come up to you and ask you what the peanutbutterandjelly you are doing, they will not ask verbally. nay, fair maiden, they will not even be able to speak through fits of giggles (guys and girls alike because really fake boobs are universally humourous). in fact, the first thing they will do is touch you to confirm that they are fake (guys and girls alike because everyone loves to touch boobs, fake or otherwise). they will grope and fondle and tweak and squeeze, and even bat at your stuffed shirt. some wellminded friends will cup your stuffing into better shape. really close girl friends with a sense of humour will measure you, and possibly lend you garments to augment your figure.

this is also a quick way to find out if someone likes you. the girl who likes you will ignore your boobs completely and only look into your eyes, no matter how enticing your chest may be. she will also tell you you are being a dork and immature and ask, "how will you ever become a good father to my babies if you act like this?"

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