why?

maybe she's born with it...

what have i done with the month of may?
slacked; stayed up like a dead baby, slept like a dead baby; bought a cow bell, but not for myself; glorious hail mary touchdowns; hockeyed, boy howdy, i hockeyed; did some finances; cheered when i found my calculus mark to be well above 50, grimaced when i found my physics mark to be well below 90, grinned when i found my astronomy mark to be well above 80, laughed when i found my algebra mark to be higher than last year's; did some acting, screwed up some acting; pianoed; watched Angel die an undeserved early death, watched the Leafs tee off undeservedly early, watched Amy kiss Ephram, watched Chloe blow up, watched Yugi defeat Marik, watched two minutes of WB superstar USA; fell in love with Amelie; finally started a blog and promptly loaded it with pokemon and toilet pictures; drove using hand signals; partied heartily with my good buddies; got shot at with fireworks; started lvl. 100 battle tower; changed my wallpaper; left my wife of two months to live a life of sin with emma watson. hey-oh.

vulcan logic

the main objective of any bathroom visit is minimizing the time spent in such a visit. the main deterant of achieving this objective is 'splash'. splash is caused by a force that displaces a fluid medium in diverse directions and it adds precious seconds to your bathroom visit time by a) splashing all over your pants, and b) splashing all over everything else. b is not that much of a problem if you have no bathroom etiquette, but a is an unfun situation that you will wish to rectify before exiting the bathroom.

splash is a function of distance, incident angle and ratio of the splash indices of the two media, water/urine and procelain. the index of splash of water/urine on water/urine is effectively one. the splash index of water porcelain is approximately zero. thus, to minimize splash, one need only strike porcelain, rather than water.

can that not be done standing? initially, yes. however, the horizontal component of the distance achieved is a decreasing function of the force of fluid pressure in the bladder. more plainly stated, is that the distance between you and the moment of incidence decreases quite quickly. to maintain the incident point (or splash point) at the strategic position of porcelain, one must move forward to decrease the distance between the initial position (d = 0) and splash point (d = f(p)) at the same rate of force/pressure decrease.

couldn't you just calculate the perfect angle to strike the water in which the subsequent splash is limited to the confines of the bowl? that angle is 0 degrees, directly above the bowl. any splashing that occurs will be directly upward with little to no lateral splashing.

therefore, the way to minimize splash is to assume a seated posture. initial release will strike the porcelain, nullifying any splash. in the latter portion of said release, when fluid pressure is near zero and the distance/force is minimal, the incident angle will be approximately zero, thus rendering further extrabowlular splashing to zero. furthermore, the seal formed by the buttocks and thighs will intercept any stray, stubborn droplets that cared to defy the laws of toilet physics.

efficiency is intelligent laziness
david dunham

GUH...

*whimper*

baked cheese can be your friend... if you let it

minor overhaul to the template. this one is more organized and less... crappy. but if there's one thing i've learned from living, it's that you can never have too much crappiness. how would you appreciate good music if you haven't had william hung seranade you to sleep? how would you appreciate high literature if you haven't tried to follow a messy chat transcript? how would you appreciate beautiful films if you haven't seen The Black Knight?

** i am in no way affliated with william hung or the wonderful movie, The Black Knight. if you deem the material above deflammatory and insulting, i implore you to a) purchase william hung's cd. better yet, go watch the Jays game in which he will perform, live at the SkyDome for our listening pleasure, Take Me Out to the Ball Game - hopefully it will be as beautiful a rendition as one Mr. Ozzy Osbourne's; and b) watch The Black Knight, featuring the amicable Martin Lawrence (Bad Boys 1 and 2, Big Momma's House) as the fabled Black Knight of lore; before coming back.