the Mystery of Women: Episode 1

women are a mystery. this is by design; everything is on the inside. men, who have (almost) everything on the outside, cannot even begin to comprehend the mysteries locked away in the opposite sex. in this new series, exclusive to pocketfish, i will explore the uncharted and give men everywhere (that read this blog) a fighting chance.

in this first installment of The Mystery of Women (MOW), i will reveal the answer to the question that has been burning on the minds of men since the Pyramids were first conceived: how do women make those towel turbans?

the towel turban has baffled men for many generations. a towel is a large rectangle of cloth; how can it possibly be tranformed into something so elegant as a turban for wet hair? why have we been scrubbing our heads like idiots when we could be letting them dry by turban? it must be magic.

my brothers, the towel turban is not magic. to make a towel turban, you will need the following:

• 1 towel
• 1 head

step-by-step:

1. hold ends of towel so that its length is perpendicular to you
2. bend your body so that you are facing the ground
3. drape the centre of the towel over the back of your head so that the two ends dangle on either side
4. twist the two lengths of towel together as if making a unicorn horn until there is no more slack
5. holding the two entwined ends tightly, stand upright and drape the 'horn' over the top of your head
6. tuck the ends under the portion of the towel covering the back of your head
7. show your wife, girlfriend, sister and/or mother and gloat

so there you have it, an age-old mystery solved. how impressed will your lady friend be when you offer to wash her hair and then wrap her lucious locks in a towel turban for drying?

The Journey to the Office of Convocation: A Hero's Quest for Validation

looking out across the way to the castles in the distance, i stopped to steel myself for the journey ahead. there would be many obstacles to overcome this day, least of all the November chill, so i put on my Scarf of Warmth and Asthmatic Prevention to protect me from the elements and Asthma.

the first obstacle was the crossing of Bloor, a swift-flowing river of metal that stopped for nothing save for red light. the only way i could cross the Bloor was to find some red light and block the river's flow. there was a lantern, strung up high, that periodically changed colour. there were only so many colours in the spectrum; surely it would turn red at some point. and it did. the river, for a moment, stood still and i crossed unimpeded. truly, God was with me on this day.

the journey was long and arduous and though i trekked southward, the cold did not abate. fortunately, i was also equipped with Gauntlets of Soft Almost-Fuzzy Skin, that preserved my precious digits. the ground appeared to be littered with leaves, normal for this time of year, but they were clearly EZ-Slip Leaves (buy a bag! fool your friends! embarrass your enemies!) planted by some nefarious villain who found delight in the misfortune of others.

the land i was traversing was ruled by a tyrant. times have been hard for the proletariate with the oncoming winter and the exorbitant taxes the tyrant must be exacting to fuel the hearthfires of his extravagant manse. no denizen of this district offered cheerful welcome as denizens are often seen doing in other lands.

in due time, i struck westward for my destination as per the instructions i received from Gugel, the chief cartographer of the land of Int Ernet. where was my destination, the humble reader might ask? i was on my way to confront the diabolical Office of Convocation and reclaim what was rightfully mine: a parchment bearing the seal of Ut, confirming my ascension to the rank of gentle.

but there was one more obstacle to surpass. the land was being retilled and retrodden by orange henchmen of the tyrant, riding enormous yellow dragons. i knew they posed little danger, as yellow dragons are herbivorous, but their girth was an impediment. i had to take the long way.

the long way was through the Valley of the Vomit-Swamp. the land itself was easily navigated and there was no treachery beneath each step, but travellers would usually be dissuaded from passing through the Valley of the Vomit-Swamp because it was an affront on the olfactory sense. it smelled like vomit, hence the name. fortunately, my Scarf of Warmth and Asthma Prevention had been enchanted with the charm of Neutral Aroma for such an occasion.

the Office of Convocation was hidden in a tower just beyond the swamp. the tower was oddly unguarded. perhaps i was expected and a trap was laid out. i marched up 3 storeys before i found the Office. at long last, after much wearisome travel, bitter cold and vomit-smell, i had reached my destination.

the door was locked.

there was someone inside; i could see her through the window. she opened the door, stepped out, and closed it behind her. obviously, this was a guardian troll. odd how she was not hairy in all the wrong places like a regular troll. there must have been budget cuts.

"are you here to pick up your diploma?"

"yes," i said, in my talking-to-trolls voice.

"we're closed at the moment, but i'll be back in five minutes." with that said, she stalked past me and into a rather large dumbwaiter. here i was, all prepared to challenge this troll to armed, and probably mortal combat, with nothing to show for it.

when two whole minutes had passed, another guardian troll opened the door and allowed me passage. this one was even less troll-some than the last. it dawned on me that the real trolls must have been on strike. these non-trolls were more than happy to open doors, be communicative, have hair in the proper places, let you cross bridges, etc. i gave her my identification and she gave me my diploma. i slipped it into my satchel, which was just the right size, and departed from the Office of Convocation with every limb intact and not a drop of blood spilled. what a rip-off.

Nerd Corner: RSS

a year or two ago, back when i was a newb just discovering Firefox, i began to notice something on the internets: this on the far right of my address bar. it would show up on certain sites, mostly blogs. and i thought to myself, abuh? i clicked it and up popped a dialogue that said, would you like to subscribe to the rss/atom/xml feed of [insert site name]? since i was but a wee newb, i reacted the same way i did to every new and foreign computer geekery that cropped up. click cancel. forget about it.

no big deal. i continued to use computers with no ill effect. i did not have to pay extra money, as subscriptions tend to convey a sense of fees. i continued to browse my usual sites, streamlining my browser with keyword bookmarks or icons on a toolbar for quick access during daily updates. i got into a pretty good groove.

one day, i thought, there has to be a more efficient way to get updates to news, blogs, etc, rather than going to each and every site and waiting for them to load. i scanned the memory banks (in my head) and some keywords kept cropping up: subscribe, rss, atom, xml, feeds, aggregator; especially on the gadget/geekery blogs. well, i thought, geeks do know all about efficiency... maybe there is something to this rss business. time for research.

the first stop on the research express is wikipedia. click the icon shown above to see the entry for RSS. it'll tell you everything you need to know in technical terms. here's the plain-speak summary. most blogs have an alternate page that is stripped down to only text and relevant images and links, like the little newsreel that scrolls by on news-centric tv channels. plug the URL of that alternate page into a Feed Reader or Aggregator, and you can see all the new (and old) posts from every website you subscribe to all in one place.

this would be where i normally write a massive how-to guide, but i'm pretty sure most of my readers are already utilizing feeds to cut down on internet reading time and maximize on internet playing time. if not, now you know about it and are free to muck about until you find something you like. i use Google Reader because it is simple, web-based (therefore anywhere), free, and i already have a Google Account. here are some other options.

up until this very morning, i had been checking this blog's comments using an email notification sent to hotmail because i don't want what is essentially non-essential mail clogging up the accounts i actually check and because when i'm on msn, it will notify me. as i got to thinking about writing this episode of Nerd Corner, i thought, dude, isn't there an RSS feed for blog comments? i know i saw something about it in the settings. so i checked the settings and yes, it exists, but it conveniently neglects to give the URL.

in order to proceed, i could a) research or b) take the existing URL for regular posts and tweak it for comments and see if it works because URLs, for the most part, are coded with actual information (e.g. server name, script type, etc). so i scanned my subscriptions for blogger accounts, and mentally reverse engineered the template for Blogger feeds:

http://[blogname].blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default?alt=rss

so the address for this blog's feed would be http://pocketfish.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default?alt=rss. for no particular reason, i intuit that substituting the word 'posts' with the word 'comments' would probably net me the feed url for this blog's comments feed: http://pocketfish.blogspot.com/feeds/comments/default?alt=rss. now i have one less reason to use hotmail. bonus!

how to have a good day

on a whim, i decided to have a good day today.

it was icy from the previous day's freezing rain, i had intended to wake up early and leave early. i woke up later than i wanted to. i left the house later because my mom thought i should have more lunch; you can never have too much lunch. i drove slower over the icy snowy patches of road. i decided to turn onto McNicoll from Middlefield because the usual route of Huntingwood to McCowan was likely treacherous. McNicoll was virtually ice-free, so i thought i could make up some time. though it was ice-free, it was not police-free and i fell into my first ever speed-trap and got my first ever speeding ticket. i felt like a real grownup =D

the officer was very courteous and professional, and i, in turn, was very nice and calmly contrite. he kindly lowered the noted speed from 18 km/hr to 10 km/hr above the 50 km/hr limit, setting me back only $40 and foregoing any issue with demerit points; i did not even have to ask. i highly recommend getting ticketed by this officer if you ever need to commit a minor infraction.

the remainder of the trip to McCowan station was uneventful and the RT made good time to Kennedy station. i picked the train with the most people in it, because when you see two trains at Kennedy, the one that has accrued more passengers is the one that has been there longer, and thus would be the one that leaves the station first. i stood there for an interval of time before the PA informed everyone that there was a train stoppage due to a track-level incident at Jarvis and that trains should start up again once that was cleared up, sorry for the delay and inconvenience. a couple of minutes later the PA informed everyone that there was a power outage at High Park due to a security breach and that they were sorry for the delay and inconvenience. as i contemplated whether or not to check the time while standing in a train that was starting to resemble a sardine can, the PA came on once more to inform us that trains would be turned around between Keele and High Park and between Kennedy and whatever station is next to High Park and that they were sorry for the delay and inconvenience. i thought it would be better if i didn't check the time.

the train ride was uncomfortably cramped, with most people standing precariously between handholds. i saw a woman fall into a girl's lap. i saw people squeezing into already cramped quarters and sucking in bellies to allow doors to close.

i hustled up to class and checked the time once i got into the room. it was 5 minutes past 8:30. after all that, i was only five minutes late and the class had not actually started yet.

after class, i sought to get some work done. i had brought my computer downtown so that i could do an assignment or two while waiting for my 3 o'clock class. there was an empty socket near a table and i snapped it up, brought out all my stuff, set up the computer to go and found that it was running off the battery. the socket was a dud and held no current. i packed everything back up and went up to the mezzanine floor (between 1st and 2nd) because there were individual study spaces up there that generally have sockets. i toured the entire floor; all the sockets were in either locked rooms or occupied rooms, i finally found one at the end of my circuit around the floor, right under a desk next to the stairwell door. beggers can't be choosers.

i did half an assignment and read a few chapters of the curious incident of the dog in the night-time (which is a really good book) and listened to Beethoven's 6th Symphony (which is a really good symphony). during that time, i briefly chatted with friends and colleagues that passed by. one had actually scheduled to meet me there through msn because she had missed yesterday's classes due to the ice.

i went to my 3 o'clock class at 2, because i like being early and i don't like being late. the room, which is noramlly filled with a 1 o'clock class, was empy. i decided to settle in to eat lunch and read some more. i was joined by another peer who had the same plan that i did. after awhile, i had to go pee. so i went to go pee.

by some inexplicable sequence of events, i bruised my left hand on the urinal.

when i returned to the classroom shortly thereafter, i chatted with the guy who was also there; he had tired of reading. after talking a bit about our respective placements, he tired of talking and took a nap. he was soon replaced by another student who felt much more inclined to chat and i repeated the same stories i told about my teaching placement that i had told about 17 times since tuesday.

after class dispersed at 5, i had to hustle to the station because i was slated to do an AV training at the church at 6, without incurring another ticket on the day. i arrived at about 6:03 to find that none of the trainees had arrived. as the wait progressed, it turned out most of the ones who were supposed to show up did not. due to the lower numbers (3), i was unable to do the cool illustrative games i had spent thursday night planning.

"dine and pray" was relaxing as usual, but it was only me and the LG, so we traded happy stories (i told some of this one) and then watched the pilot for Chuck.

after that i had dinner at the local fast food establishment, where we bumped into Dorcas and our mutual friend, whom i just had class with a few hours prior. i had a baconator and a baked potato, to which Yam kindly supplied a healthy dollop of chili.

what does celery do?

i got an email from Friendster to update me on some changes to someone's profile.
i don't have a Friendster account. spooky.

the name was not familiar and neither was the face. now who the diddly would have my address AND want to send me things? a mystery was afoot, and since i'm trying to get Nancy Drew's attention, i thought solving it would be the most excellent way.

while the name was unfamiliar to me, the combination of her name, location and other profile information led me to conclude that this was someone from the Christian Chinese circle. i have a few massive lists i could've looked through: softball, ACF, etc. i quickly skimmed the ACF mailing list that gets broadcasted everytime an email is sent (perhaps i should talk to them about bcc-ing); lo and behold, mystery girl's name and email were there. saved me the trouble of checking the softball list, which is in size 6 font; my eyes can squint no further. the curious thing is that the Friendster email was sent to GMail; the UTSC ACF mail goes to my UT account. more investigation required.

one of her pictures looked familiar. i think it was a group shot of another Chinese Christian Fellowship. a few months ago, i made a video slideshow for a big Joint Fellowship event that required some people to send me their fellowship photos. i think she was one of the people who sent me stuff. i cannot verify this as i cleaned out my UT account of those emails a couple of months ago when i switched to a different email client to manage the account.

anyway, i checked with one of my sources (people who know lots of people) and it turns out she went to the same high school that i did (as well as university). of course, in the process of reverse stalking, i've left internet footprints all over the place; i have the subtlety of an e-rhino.