Gravitational Distortions Slow Learning

Intriguing new evidence a new cause for worry over obese children

By now it is obvious that fat children are just as susceptible to all the woes of the adult obese. Heart failure, high blood pressure, diabetes, and chronic lower back ailments from supporting girth are just a few of the numerous afflictions the obese must deal with other than soaring fast food prices and the massive influx of new, healthy menus that are so unfilling that one must order in double digits to satiate the hunger pangs.

Now new research has shown, in a recent study of elementary school students in Gallup, New Mexico, that fat kids slow the learning curves of students in their vicinity.

Fat kids are no longer merely dangers to themselves (and the hands that feed them), but to their friends and colleagues around them.

"We can't consider these results to be completely conclusive until we've studied a wider sample group," comments Dr. Fatima Azibarjan, lead researcher in the study and expert on lipidous physiology, "but the initial research is disconcerting."

fat kids slow the learning curves of students
Research began as an attempt to quantitize the variables that lead some students to become potential spelling bee winners. Once they began to look into grade 1 students' learning environments, they quickly noticed that spellers were generally at least one or two desks away from a fat child.

"Basically, we figure it works like this: the brain, at this age, is constantly making new neural connections, learning. But the gravitational exertions of a nearby fat kid throws the whole process for a loop. The result is an extremely inefficient use of brain space," says Dr. Azibarjan.

In laymen's terms, fat kids make skinnier kids stupider.

[report card] comments such as "needs improvement" and "unsatisfactory"...
"I sat behind Wilbert," Karmel Poulk chimes, "and it seemed to take longer for me to grasp complicated concepts in class, such as cursive writing. Perhaps it was because I cannot see the board so well."

A petite, bright-eyed young girl, Karmel consistently finds disappointment in her report cards. Comments such as "needs improvement" and "unsatisfactory" really push her self-esteem down and she must find her consolation in buying mushrooms.

Fortunately for Karmel, there is still hope.

"Parallel to this study, we're experimenting with new desk positions to try to take advantage of this phenomenon," says astronomer, Pitor Selenovski. "Just as we can slingshot around planets, using gravitational energy to our advantage, the theory is that we can also 'slingshot' neural connections by arranging the desks in strategic locations. A sort of gravitational lensing, to focus the mind and speed the learning curve."

The results are promising so far.

"In my new seat, I can now see the board."