"in conclusion..." is a bad way to start a conclusion

looks like it's time for a year-end review of... the year. oddly enough, this year did not feel like a single year for me -- more like a decade. i skimmed through my earlier posts this year to jog my memory about who i was back then. time machine!

turns out i graduated this year; i had completely forgotten that was this year. it seemed like so long ago that i was crowing about taking Courtship in Literature and how funny that would be (don't and it wasn't) and how cool Opera is (don't settle for less). it seemed like 3 years ago that i was sitting up in the student centre of UTSC watching AD, when it was only 10 months ago. when undergrad ended, a lot of other things ended at around the same time: school, service, love, life and some other stuff; it was all very conclusive in that "hmm, my world is ending" sort of way.

the summer was one of renewal. old responsibilities were shed. it was vivifying. my steps were quicker, the laughs were longer, the sun shone a little bit brighter and i came as close to the joy of becoming a parent as i possibly could without actually wrangling up a shiny rock and a dance partner. it was my summer of rest (take THAT income tax!) and i got to enjoy being who God was molding me into, and see what He was doing not too far from here.

and now i'm on the doorstep to the rest of my life, having delayed stepping into the real world for a few more months so that i can sit in the OISE library and watch AD. lots of things have happened. lots of things are happening. lots of things will happen. this denouement to my school life is fast becoming the prologue to the next book.

Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

who i am is not quite who i was

i have been cleaning my room for the past 2 days (because there was that much stuff) and rearranging the furniture and swapping in new furniture, etc. a few minutes ago, i found an old assignment i participated in back in grade 10 or 11. it was an english writing assignment where we'd each submit a short blurb about ourselves as if we were meeting together for our nth year reunion (where n is an integer).

the following is what i wrote. you can clearly see where my priorities were back then; it's not so far off from where they are now.

After graduating from Woburn Collegiate Institute in 2003 as an insignificant student having made little visible difference, Herman quickly rose up the social ranks as a hackey sack champion in Brock University. He double-majored in Greek Mythology and Biomechanics after receiving a scholarship for Insignificant Achievement. While attending Brock, Herman wrote a novel, aptly titled Foot-Eye Coordination and the Flying Beaver, but it was never published.

Graduating from Brock in two years, Herman celebrated his 20th birthday by getting married. To this day, he still doesn't know her name (or does he simply forget? either way, if he doesn't know, she's not telling), but they worked around it. He moved to Zurich, Switzerland, quitting his job at Indigo for a higher paid job at the Indigo in Switzerland as manager. In 2007, Penelope, his first daughter, was born. She exhibited early skills in percussion and visual art, but later changed her mind and became an astronomer. His son, Edwin, was born two years later and grew up to play centre for the Toronto Maple Leafs. By that time, Herman and his family had moved back to Toronto, but outside the city. Herman became a computer game storyline consultant as a result of the move.

In his spare time, Herman enjoys reading, various sports and just plain living. He still occasionally plays hackey sack, but since no one else in his family does, it's not much fun. He had a pet kangaroo named Jenny, and they used to hold jumping contests. Jenny died of old age in 2024.

At the moment, Herman is Manager of Indigo again and resides with his family in Markham. He is contemplating adopting another kangaroo.

i'm sure you're dying to psychoanalyze this. i've taken the liberty of getting the ball rolling to maybe offer a bit of insider insight. it will help you develop your interpretation of my crazy.

the word insignificance crops up twice. self-esteem issues?

Brock? definitely self-esteem issues.

Greek Mythology and Biomechanics: early signs of English and Physics

the book title is... wow

graduating from Brock in two years: no self-esteem issues at all

marriage at 20: i still wish for that, but it's trickier now

"still doesn't know her name": didn't want to seem too wishful

Indigo: i heart bookstores.

Zurich: snow, mandatory military service for a neutral country that never goes to war, paid tuition for post-secondary education, chocolate

Penelope, born in 2007: i still have a few days to get on this. i've always liked the name (Odysseus' loyal wife).

Edwin, born 2009: TML player... pretty obvious where this is coming from.

kids' interests and professions reflect my own

computer game storyline consultant: English + Nerd

Jenny, the kangaroo: i've always wanted a pet, but something a little more obscure than usual

Porcelain Philosophy 9: Reputation

my reputation precedes me. in a Chinese church, this is a potentially volatile matter.

a casual conversation with an adult that i have not spoken directly to more than 4 times, and certainly not in recent memory, yielded the fact that it was known i was in teachers college; nevermind that the query was initially directed to my brother with whom i am still mistaken for (even by his driving instructor!), and vice versa. there are people i've spoken more frequently to in the fellowships i held and hold membership to who did not know until they asked me where i've been working.

naturally, i am curious as to what the rest of my reputation says about my character. i have a fairly good idea of who i am, but mostly because i spend all my time with myself. after awhile, you pick up on a few things. what i'm more interested in is what others, who only spend finite amounts of time with me under specific environmental and social situations, see. indulge my curiosity in the comments if you so desire.

an aspiring professional ought to comport himself as a professional. is this reflected in my speech and actions?

i'm pretty sure most would say "not really": case in point, the comment above about how people i interact with who have no idea what i am doing after graduation (or what i did to achieve graduation for that matter). that's not to say that i am pouting that some people don't pay attention to me, or that they don't bother to remember what i tell them; it's more like my parents' reaction to when i told them i was aiming to be a teacher: "really?" never would have guessed it.

therein lies my beef with reputation. everyone is, at any given moment, a "work in progress"; everyone is judged by instances. in more confusing terms: the derivative of their action function. plot a graph of action (positive: good, negative: bad) vs. time and most people will have a fairly squiggly line, like a temperature vs. time graph of a home with central heating and a thermostat. we really only notice another person's actions when the magnitude of the derivative of his or her action function is high (i.e. does something exceptionally good, or does something exceptionally bad). the recency effect puts a very high stock on this single event, biasing our perception of that person's reputation. when judging others, we have the remarkable ability to set them against standards that we ourselves fall short of more often than not.

the Chinese culture is honour based. above all else, you must "save face." lie, cheat, steal, extort, bribe, blackmail, murder -- whatever it takes to ensure that your family is not disgraced in public (nevermind that most of those methods will generally lead to further disgrace). throw in the complicated church dynamic and the proclivity of people to draw their own conclusions and share them, and you have a very, very narrow margin for error. for more extra fun, post your personal thoughts about everything online.

psych out!

i visited some schools yesterday: one i only left 6 months ago, and the other one i had not visited in 2 or 3 years. i made it to my high school in time for lunch period, so everyone was out in the halls and all the teachers were in their offices. there were a sea of faces and i recognized none of them; reasonable, since i graduated in '03 and all of the present students were born in the 90s.

i had a lovely chat with my english teachers, Mrs. B and Brown Mrs. B (Ms. M). the ones who read your writing are the ones you tend to get to know (so that they can look more favourably upon your writing =P). my high school english teachers are the reason i chose to take english as a teachable.

after a stop by my old faithful locker, i headed back out for St. Florence. i wanted to make it in a certain timeframe (to minimize class disruptions) so i decided to skip lunch with family, and subsequently skip lunch entirely (because i'm poor).

when i arrived, (nearly) everyone was in the staff room having a pizza party; they roped me into not skipping lunch afterall. oh, how i had missed the people and the staff room banter.

after lunch, i went into the primary hall to bring the students back in from lunch recess, so that i could see my darlings, now in grade 2. i had forgotten how small they were, but they did not forget me.

"Mr. Chan! I missed you!" "Are you a kid?" "Are you a daddy?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Are you in love with _______?" "Didn't you marry _______?" "Are you an adult?"

students i never really talked to before also came up to say, "Hi!" and "I know you!" and "Are you going to work here?"

outside one of the grade 2 classrooms, i stood to greet them. a student i did not know came up to chat.

"I'm new here. Who are you?"
"Mr. Chan. You must be Nicholas."

His eyes bugged out with amazement and he sputtered, "How did you know?!"
I pointed to the coat hooks that lined the hall. "Your name tag is right there."