astronaut (homo sapiens celesticus)
astronauts are chosen from the cream of the human crop. scientists by trade, astronauts are smong the upper tier in terms of intelligence. their physical endurance is also renown as their bodies must be able to withstand the tremendous interial forces inflicted upon them during take-off and landings. once successfully launched into space, astronauts spend their most of their brief sojourn patiently conducting 'zero-gravity' experiments.
size: astronauts are comparable in size to their close cousin: the human (homo sapien). males range from 5'7" to 6'8" andweigh in at 184 lbs. on average. females are about 14% smaller.
habitat: astronauts inhabit three environments. on earth, they either live in dormitories near training facilities, or 'homes'. in orbit, astronauts would live in 'space stations', large capsules of machinery that artifically emulate the living conditions on earth (minus the constant downward tug of gravity)
status: the astronaut is currently threatened due to mechanical complications with the spaceship apparati. barring any launch or reentry disaster, astronauts succumb to the same afflictions that befall humans.
strengths: in order for humans to upgrade into astronauts, they must submit themselves to a battery of physical and psychological tests. as a result, astronauts are uncommonly patient, independent, analytical and possess a physical endurance that belies their normal appearances.
weaknesses: the very attributes that give astronauts their strength conversely contributes to their weaknesses as well. their sharp minds make them unwilling to take risks outside of strictly controlled environments. their pampered lives make them unaware of problems outside the realm of science.
caveman (homo neanderthalensis)
the caveman, or the neanderthal, has a fabled beginning and unknown end. known primarly only by sketchy fossil records, neanderthals are reputed to have existed anywhere from 200 000 to 300 000 years ago, primarly on the eurasian continent. stockily built, anthropoligists theorize that they lived in small hunter/gatherer communities. stone, or bone, tools and weapons were crafted to facilitate hunting and the manufacturing of clothing. neanderthals probably hunted in packs, using the advantage of numbers and projectile weapons to down their quarry.
size: fossil records indicate a compact build, around 5', probably for heat conservation during harsh ice age winters. living on the move, following the migratory paths of favoured game animals, the cavemen were generally mesomorphic and probably weighed around 240 lbs. well fed.
habitat: ice fields of stone age europe. natural caves gave shelter from the fatal blizzards that ravaged the land.
status: extinct. a pity really, for they would have made excellent american football players.
strengths: physically strong, quite adaptive, team players
weaknesses: easily confused by foreign objects and loud noises due to natural curiosity.
differences between men have always been decided on the battlefield, and this case is exemplary of the classic struggle between brain and brawn. also echoed in the school halls as nerd vs. jock, "Back To the Future" and "Napoleon Dynamite" are definitely persuasive in presenting their case for nerds.
in this case, the battle shall take place in neutral territory (astronauts have never met neaderthals in nature) during a neutral time period in soul calibur format. that is to say that there will be a platform from which to ring out and each combatant will wield their characteristic weapon. the neanderthal will have some variant of cudgel, with a sharp rock embedded in the thicker end and garbed in mammoth skin. the astronaut will wear a blue flightsuit and heft a matching standard NASA-issue prybar. a pressurized spacepen that can write in zero-gravity, upside down and underwater will complete his repetoire.
the fight is brief. one swing of the caveman's cudgel throws both combatants off balance as the astronaut tries to dodge with agility, only to realize that agility is not an innate property of astronauty types. the pen slips from his unprotected pocket (gasp!) and rolls away. the flash of chrome distracts the caveman and he stops to peer intently. the tiny rounded reflection piques his curiosity further. catching on, the astronaut prods the little pen with his prybar, a game! the neanderthal pokes the pen with his cudgel rolling it around. the astronaut circles behind the pen and pokes it back towards the caveman. the caveman returns the favour. grinning to himself the astronaut gives his shiny pen an aggressive shuffleboard shove. the pen scuttles to the edge of the ring, spinning to a stop. the caveman lopes over to bring the pen back into play and the astronaut takes advantage. he charges the neanderthal and neatly pushes him off the edge. victory, sneaky astronaut.
next time: door-to-door insurance salesman vs. Jehovah's Witness.
