astronaut vs. caveman

astronaut (homo sapiens celesticus)
astronauts are chosen from the cream of the human crop. scientists by trade, astronauts are smong the upper tier in terms of intelligence. their physical endurance is also renown as their bodies must be able to withstand the tremendous interial forces inflicted upon them during take-off and landings. once successfully launched into space, astronauts spend their most of their brief sojourn patiently conducting 'zero-gravity' experiments.
size: astronauts are comparable in size to their close cousin: the human (homo sapien). males range from 5'7" to 6'8" andweigh in at 184 lbs. on average. females are about 14% smaller.
habitat: astronauts inhabit three environments. on earth, they either live in dormitories near training facilities, or 'homes'. in orbit, astronauts would live in 'space stations', large capsules of machinery that artifically emulate the living conditions on earth (minus the constant downward tug of gravity)
status: the astronaut is currently threatened due to mechanical complications with the spaceship apparati. barring any launch or reentry disaster, astronauts succumb to the same afflictions that befall humans.
strengths: in order for humans to upgrade into astronauts, they must submit themselves to a battery of physical and psychological tests. as a result, astronauts are uncommonly patient, independent, analytical and possess a physical endurance that belies their normal appearances.
weaknesses: the very attributes that give astronauts their strength conversely contributes to their weaknesses as well. their sharp minds make them unwilling to take risks outside of strictly controlled environments. their pampered lives make them unaware of problems outside the realm of science.

caveman (homo neanderthalensis)
the caveman, or the neanderthal, has a fabled beginning and unknown end. known primarly only by sketchy fossil records, neanderthals are reputed to have existed anywhere from 200 000 to 300 000 years ago, primarly on the eurasian continent. stockily built, anthropoligists theorize that they lived in small hunter/gatherer communities. stone, or bone, tools and weapons were crafted to facilitate hunting and the manufacturing of clothing. neanderthals probably hunted in packs, using the advantage of numbers and projectile weapons to down their quarry.
size: fossil records indicate a compact build, around 5', probably for heat conservation during harsh ice age winters. living on the move, following the migratory paths of favoured game animals, the cavemen were generally mesomorphic and probably weighed around 240 lbs. well fed.
habitat: ice fields of stone age europe. natural caves gave shelter from the fatal blizzards that ravaged the land.
status: extinct. a pity really, for they would have made excellent american football players.
strengths: physically strong, quite adaptive, team players
weaknesses: easily confused by foreign objects and loud noises due to natural curiosity.

differences between men have always been decided on the battlefield, and this case is exemplary of the classic struggle between brain and brawn. also echoed in the school halls as nerd vs. jock, "Back To the Future" and "Napoleon Dynamite" are definitely persuasive in presenting their case for nerds.
in this case, the battle shall take place in neutral territory (astronauts have never met neaderthals in nature) during a neutral time period in soul calibur format. that is to say that there will be a platform from which to ring out and each combatant will wield their characteristic weapon. the neanderthal will have some variant of cudgel, with a sharp rock embedded in the thicker end and garbed in mammoth skin. the astronaut will wear a blue flightsuit and heft a matching standard NASA-issue prybar. a pressurized spacepen that can write in zero-gravity, upside down and underwater will complete his repetoire.
the fight is brief. one swing of the caveman's cudgel throws both combatants off balance as the astronaut tries to dodge with agility, only to realize that agility is not an innate property of astronauty types. the pen slips from his unprotected pocket (gasp!) and rolls away. the flash of chrome distracts the caveman and he stops to peer intently. the tiny rounded reflection piques his curiosity further. catching on, the astronaut prods the little pen with his prybar, a game! the neanderthal pokes the pen with his cudgel rolling it around. the astronaut circles behind the pen and pokes it back towards the caveman. the caveman returns the favour. grinning to himself the astronaut gives his shiny pen an aggressive shuffleboard shove. the pen scuttles to the edge of the ring, spinning to a stop. the caveman lopes over to bring the pen back into play and the astronaut takes advantage. he charges the neanderthal and neatly pushes him off the edge. victory, sneaky astronaut.

next time: door-to-door insurance salesman vs. Jehovah's Witness.

animal face-off

at 2 pm today i was left with alone with a tv. antics ensued.
the discovery channel yielded a surprising find: Animal Face-Off.
two contestants from the animal kingdom, of the fearsome or large variety, are pitted against each other one-on-one. i happened to watch the hippopotamus vs. the bull shark.

basically, two 'experts' are enlisted to spout propaganda and trash-talk about their respective animals of expertise, trying to one-up each other. and as we all know, watching antisocial scientists talk smack is amusing enough for a show in and of itself. a resin skull of each contestant is brought in for display and analysis to prop the expert's gushing.

from a large block of polystyrene, a model of the skull is sculpted (my new dream job) and then packed in a block of hardening sand. molten aluminum is poured into a hole in the sand box, dissolving the polystyrene away and cooling into an aluminum replica of the skull. this replica is then fitted to animatronics so that approximate measurements can be made of relevant abilities, such as biting force.

their mechanical hippo jaw was submitted to a battery of tests. a pair of watermelons were smashed within the 2 tonnes of biting force, along with a large television. it was also tested in water with a 45 lb kayak. the kayak approximated the size of the bull shark, so it was tossed into the air and then bitten in half for good measure. to simulate the 700 lbs of bull shark, a steel drum filled with water was also bitten and thrashed. however, the combined stress of gripping a 700 lb oil drum and dragging it in and out of the water took it's toll on the animatronic neck and neatly decapitated the hippo in mid shake.

the bull shark was much less impressive, but grosser. they clamped a fish and then simulated the shark-thrash (the shaking of the shark's head which allows the serrated teeth of the lower jaw to saw through flesh) to cleave the fish in half. to simulate the thick hippo skin, they also ripped up a stingray. the water test involved a dead shark of smaller size that they tried to tear up. unfortunatly, due to the limits in polystyrene carving, the teeth were not serrated failed to remove the dead shark head from the dead shark body. it also failed to bite the kayak (another one) with it's not very wide jaws.

the point of all this was to compile sufficient data for a computer simulated encounter between the two combatants. and it verified my belief that hippos are scary, especially when super pissed.

needless to say this has now become my new favourite discovery channel show (sorry mythbusters). it combines animals (which i love), destructive robots (which i find interesting only if they're destructive) and ridiculous fighting scenarios (see xiao xaio), making a ridiculously silly show. obviously i'm very mature.

this show reminded me of another excellent ridiculous fighting scenario i heard on Angel.
who would win in a fight between an Astronaut and a Caveman? discuss.

passenger seat - death cab for cutie

i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as
you are driving me home

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between
shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as
you are driving me home

do they collide?
i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter

when you feel embarassed,
i'll be your pride
when you need directions,
i'll be the guide
for all time
for all time

requisite school update

now that i've sampled each class of the fall semester i may now start pooling my thoughts, opinions and impressions.

ENGB02: Writing about Narrative
taught by anthony adams, this introductory english course aims to prepare me for university level writing and literary dissertation that will presumably be applicable for the rest of my life. it's definitely a laidback class, headed by a laidback graduate student. unfortunately the room is a bit cramped. summer school leg room has spoiled me. adams has a rather dry, deadpan sense of humour, delivered succinctly with nonchalance. this bodes well for me, as my writing tends to be more entertaining than substantial. my 'writing about poetry' instructor over the summer agrees that i sacrifice content for wordplay quite liberally.

ENGBO3: Thinking about Narrative
B02's requirement states that B03 must be either completed or taken in tandem with B02. we know this arrangement was wrought of an English major's mind as numerical order really means nothing. the logic is that one cannot Write without having first done some Thinking. the disregard for numerical order is highlighted by the poetry courses: ENGB01 - Writing about Poetry; ENGB04 - Thinking about Poetry. at elast they're consistent. oh yeah, this class is crowded AND boring AND textually expensive. coupled with a quiet, British woman with an English Ph.D, we have a recipe for inspired doodling.

ENGB42: the Bible in Literature I
my two playgrounds now meet to earn me credit. professor russell brown is interesting, but he's not quite SUPER familiar with the material, even though he's taught it about 6 times now. he's originally a professor of Canadian Literature (my secret playground, with my teatime mates atwood and davies) who felt it was nigh time someone ran a course that emphasized the profound influence that the Bible and Bible studies have had on literature and literary study. i like having my own thoughts mirrored by scholars. thus far i haven't learned anything BRAND NEW AND IMPROVED in this course (only 1 intro class so far, so duh) but i expect this to be aceably fun.

ASTB21: Introduction to Astrophysics: Stellar and Planetary Physics
my first experience with this class was last september. it was then taught by Professor Shepherd, who was probably the biggest reed-thin, hunchbacked, smoking NERD i've ever seen. he was very nerdy. computer nerdy, math nerdy. i surprised he didn't dress up as gandalf. anyway, he was so nerdy that everything he said was completely over everyone's head. his lecture notes were scribbled on a minute notebook, more fit for addresses than modeling three-body planetary motion. needless to say, i was scoring about 12% at the midterm so i dropped it like it was hot. astro b21 redux has a newly hired Polish astrophysicist. more physicist than mathematician, this is promising. and as it is his first year he'll either mark stupid hard or wahoo easy. time to butter him up for the latter option. not that he need butter. he worked up a lovely sweat that darkened most of his green button-down shirt. the back turned nearly black.

PSCD01: Science in Society
an abstract program requirement of a course. should be a breeze as it is merely a large group discussion about recent science news and it's affects on society and how science operates in society, etc. stupid 7-9pm timeslot. but super fun professors. and guest speakers will include my astro instructor, mr. Pawel Artymowicz. his last name is a bit of a mouthful for my asian tongue.

Fish Logic

who was in Mrs. Reid's grade 4 class (CHPS)? even if you weren't, click title for massive logic puzzle about beer and a walleye pike.